Four Swords Plus
by The Tacochickenwings
Summary: A raunchy parody of the Four Swords manga. Link pulls the Four Sword, and well, splits into four. Together, the lusty companions must embark on a quest to save the suicidal Zelda from Vaati, Ganon, and the Lysol huffing Shadow Link. Yaoi ensues.
1. The Four Assholes

_**PLEASE REVIEW! Sorry if this chapter sucks; I'm overtired and it's late... By the way, in the manga, GUFUU is used, not VAATI, so that's why there's no Vaati stuff in this. After all, the manga is different from the game, you know.**_

* * *

_**Four Swords Plus**_

_**Chapter 1: The Four Assholes**_

Chaos erupted in the streets of Hyrule Castle Town.

"Ah! Help! It's Jago's pirate gang!" someone screamed.

People were shouting and running away from a group of intimidating pirates.

"Stuff all this shit in the bags! This town's goin' down!" Jago himself declared as he and a few of his crew members overtook a store.

A young woman ran up to Jago, grabbed his arm, and cried, "Please! Stop! Don't take our things!"

Jago looked at the maiden with a smirk. "Well then, young lady, would you like to join us? A man gets horny out on the sea for such long periods of time..." Jago seized the woman around the waist.

"AH! NO, DON'T!" she screamed.

Suddenly, someone crashed through the boxes above them. It was a boy, no older than 12. He landed on Jago's head, knocking him to the ground. The pirate captain released the girl.

The boy stood up, readied his sword, and glanced over his shoulder at the maiden. "Get outta here!" he said.

Jago drew his own sword.

"DAMN MIDGET, PREPARE TO DIE!" he growled, lunging at the boy. The kid stabbed him in the crotch.

"GAAH! OH, FUCK, THE PAIN!" Jago bellowed, falling to the ground. Then he died. Ha ha.

The pirates gasped.

"I-It's that 'left-handed hero', Link!" one of them said. There was a moment of silence before the crew scrambled away.

Link smirked, put away his sword, and started to leave. Suddenly, a group of knights on horses trotted grandly to the scene.

"We are the noble knights of Hyrule, and we are better than you and we know it! Now where's the trouble?" the leader of the knights; a muscular man; asked.

"Sorry bud, you're too late! The problem's been taken care of!" a villager said.

The leader scratched his head in confusion before finally realizing who had taken the work away from him and his group. Spotting the culprit sneaking away, he called, "Hold it right there, Link!"

Link sighed exaperatedly and turned around. "What?"

"You're part of our group, Link, and you keep taking the damn spotlight away from everyone else! Stop the independence shit. You have allies, you know! Next time, wait for the rest of us!"

Link rolled his eyes and replied, "If I wait for you assholes, things will only get worse. And besides, I like being independent. See ya!" And with that, the left-handed hero walked away.

Link kicked at the dirt as he headed along the path to Hyrule Castleand smiled.

"I don't need no damn allies! I can handle the dangers in Hyrule all on my own!"

* * *

"Honestly, he's been a total asshole lately. He doesen't listen to anyone but you, your highness; you're his best friend... He doesen't even listen to me, and I'm his own father! Please help me beat some sense into him, because if he doesen't shape up I'm going to get him fixed..." the knight leader said to Princess Zelda. 

The princess sat on her throne, gazing at the man who stood before her. She frowned.

"Why would you get him fixed?" Zelda asked.

"It would be really funny."

"Right. I'll just pretend like you never said that. Ok, well, anyway, don't worry about Link... He has a good heart and will grow into a fine man some day."

"Sure. That's what YOU think..."

"Do you know that you suck as a father?"

"Yeah, I know. So will you help me with my son?"

"I will talk to him."

"Or you could just beat him," Link's father suggested.

"Shut your fat mouth before I have you beheaded!" Zelda threatened.

Grumbling, the knight stood up, bowed, and left the room. Zelda sighed and rolled her eyes.

"Is he gone?" Link asked, stepping out from behind the throne. He was wearing nothing but a leopard-spotted thong.

Zelda looked him up and down.

"I told you, I'm not having sex with you, Link..."

"Damn... Well, it was worth a shot. I better go get dressed then..."

"No, we haven't the time!"

"What? Why not?"

"Link, we must check the seal of the Four Sword. I had a premonition... Something is coming. A sorcerer, I believe, and I fear it may be Gufuu..."

"But Gufuu was sealed..." Link said.

"I know, I know, but still..." Zelda insisted.

The tale of the Four Sword is an ancient one, my friends... Long ago, a powerful sorcerer named Gufuu terrorized lands and captured beautiful maidens. No one could defeat him until one day, a traveler came, wielding a blade that split his body into four. The four heroes worked together and sealed Gufuu in the sword. The blade was enshrined with care...

Suddenly, the 6 maidens who helped keep the sword's seal intact approached Link and Zelda.

"Princess Zelda, all the preparations have been made," the blue maiden said.

"Good," replied Zelda. "Let us begin."

Zelda and the maidens proceeded to check the seal through a prayer of some sort as Link readied his sword.

Come on out if you want, Gufuu... But I warn you, I'm ready to take you on... he thought, his face serious.

Then a frightening thing occured -- the 6 maidens were suddenly levitated into the air!

"Oh, no! The maidens!" Zelda cried, stepping back. Link gasped, and the maidens disappeared...

Link and Zelda's attention shifted to the seal where a swirling pool of shadows had appeared... They rose up and began to form something... Before they knew it, Link and Zelda stood facing what appeared to be some sort of Link clone, only it had black hair, evil red eyes, and wore a black tunic. The being held a bottle of Lysol spray and a sword.

After recovering from the shock, Link asked, "W-who are you...?"

The Link thing huffed the bottle of Lysol for a moment before looking at Link again.

"Who, me? Why, I'm Link the hero...hee hee..." it replied.

"HEY, YOU DUMBFUCK, YOU CAN'T BE ME; I'M ME!" Link bellowed, attacking his copy. He was surprised to find that it became transparent and managed to dodge the attack.

"W-what? It didn't work!" Link gasped.

The clone turned into some sort of shadow beam and launched itself to Princess Zelda. Turning back into its human form, the copy huffed the Lysol again, grabbed Zelda, created a portal, and entered it.

"ZELDA! NOOOOOOOOO!" Link yelled.

"LINK! SAVE ME!" Zelda screamed before she and the clone disappeared.

Suddenly, another portal appeared and snatched Link away...

* * *

The left-handed hero awoke, only to find himself laying in the grass. It took him a moment to realize that he lay before the Four Sword shrine.

Quickly getting to his feet, Link looked around and said, "Where's that freaky-black-Lysol-clone and Princess Zelda?" He began to conduct a desperate search for his princess, but to no avail. She and the freaky-black-Lysol-clone were nowhere to be found...

Link looked at the ground sadly.

"Damn...she's kidnapped, and I didn't even get to have sex with her..."

He raised his eyes to the Four Sword shrine before him. It gave him an idea...

"I probably shouldn't do this, but what the hell. It may break Gufuu's seal, but at least I'll be able to save Zelda..." he said, grabbing the sword.

"FOUR SWORD, LEND ME YOUR POWER!" Link shouted, yanking it from its pedestal.

A prickling went up the hero's spine, but before he knew it, he was staring at 3 other copies of himself. One was dressed in purple, another in red, and the other in blue.

Green Link said, "Woah, the-"

"Legend-" Blue Link continued.

"Really is-" Red Link said.

"True then!" Purple Link finished.

Green Link stared at the other 3.

"Woah, this is not normal... But I'm sure now we can defeat Gufuu!"

"Yeah!" the other 3 said in unison.

But when they looked back at the shrine, the 4 heroes saw a strange wind swirling about it... Then suddenly, a giant rock monster appeared! It was none other than Gufuu!

"Ah, outside at last... HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! I'M FREE! IT'S BEEN SO LONG!" Gufuu exclaimed.

"T-that's Gufuu!" Red Link gasped.

"The seal! Damn, it's been broken!" Blue Link said.

Purple Link glared at Gufuu and growled, "Too bad for you; you're going back where you came from!"

The 4 Links began to attack! Green Link sliced off Gufuu's arm, but it regrew itself!

"Guys!" he called. "Let's try slicing him from 4 different places at once!"

The other 3 ignored him and just kept doing what they were doing.

Shaking his head, Green Link leaped to attack Gufuu's other arm, but bumped into Blue Link. The 2 boys fell to the ground.

"Hey, asshole, watch where you're going!" Blue Link snarled.

"Hey, it was your fault, not mine!" Green Link snapped.

He looked up and saw that Red Link and Purple Link were not helping eachother much either.

"Why the hell aren't we working together? We have to work as a team in order to beat him!" Green Link said.

"I've never worked on a team before, how do you do it?" Red Link asked.

"Tch! I'm tough, I can kick his ass alone!" Blue Link scoffed.

"I don't need any allies..." Purple Link said boredly.

Green Link was dumbfounded. The truth hit him.

It's just one stubborn guy increased by 3... he realized. Shit, I should have listened to Dad...

Gufuu began to try and suck the 4 Links up! The heroes grabbed onto rocks and such to keep from being snatched away.

"He's gonna suck us up, dammit!" Purple Link said through gritted teeth.

Then the same thought came to each of their minds...

Princess Zelda... We have to save her!

The thought of their mission and their princess gave them the strength to suddenly attack Gufuu. He exploded! The 4 celebrated the moment and congratulated eachother.

"So is that his true form? I don't understand..." Red Link said.

"I dunno, I guess..." Blue Link replied.

They did not sense their evil freaky-black-Lysol-clone watching them from behind a stone ruin. He huffed his bottle of Lysol spray.

"Gufuu is revived!" the evil clone said. "Thanks, four heroes... You will lead the world to ruin..."


	2. Hyrule Castle Sucks

_**Chapter 2: Hyrule Castle Sucks**_

A big ass army of evil flying monsters descended upon Hyrule. Upon the back of one of them stood none other than freaky-black-Lysol-clone, AKA Shadow Link. In his hand he held (What a surprise) a bottle of Lysol spray. Huffing it, he said to the beasts, "Get moving! We must destroy Hyrule Castle! I WILL RULE OVER ALL, MWUAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Link's father fought his way to the castle.

"Damn these monsters! I must see to Princess Zelda' whereabouts, for Gufuu's seal's been broken!"

At last, he was able to enter. Rushing to Zelda's throne room, he was surprised to see not Princess Zelda, but his son, Link!

It appeared Link was severely injured. He was sitting slumped against a wall, bleeding from a wound on his chest. Link's father gasped and dropped his sword.

"Link!"

Running to his child, he picked him up and started shaking him.

"Link! Are you alive?"

Link said nothing.

"Say something if you're not!"

"Jeez...I'm dizzy enough, and you really aren't helping!" Link finally said.

Looking down his father saw with shock that it wasn't his son he was holding... It was some other boy with red eyes and black hair. Shadow Link...

"What the...who the hell are YOU?"

But suddenly, Shadow Link sat up and dug his nails into Link's father. A bright light surrounded them as the man screamed! And then he just disappeared... Nothing of him remained except a smoking pile of armor and clothing.

Shadow Link cackled evilly, huffed some of his Lysol, and then went into a coughing fit. He passed out on the floor.

The four Links dashed for Hyrule Castle Town.

"SLOW DOWN, DAMMIT, I CAN'T KEEP UP!" Blue Link shouted.

"We can't! We have to find the nearest TV because _Will and Grace _is coming on in 10 minutes!" Green Link replied.

"Wait...shouldn't you say that you need to tell our dad about Gufuu and Zelda?" Purple Link asked.

"Um, NO, because _Will and Grace _is more important!"

Purple Link rolled his eyes.

"Guys! You know, we should pick out different names so we're not all called 'Link'!" Red Link said.

"That's stupid," Blue Link replied.

"Ok, since I'm wearing red, I'll be 'Red'. Blue, you can be 'Blue'; purple, we can't call you 'Violet' 'cause that's a girl name and that would shame you even more seeing as you wear purple, so we'll shorten 'Violet' to 'Vio'. And green can be Green! Aren't I a genius?"

Green slapped Red.

Blue kicked him in the nuts and said, "YOU FUCKING IDIOT! I SHOULD BE CALLED 'LINK' BECAUSE I'M THE LEADER!"

Green punched Blue in the face.

"I'M THE ONE WEARING GREEN SO _I_ SHOULD BE LINK!"

"Ok, we'll battle! Let's kick eachother in the nuts 'till one of us falls! Whoever falls first loses!" Blue exclaimed.

"FINE!" Green agreed, and the nut-kicking began! Red and Vio watched, amused.

Suddenly, a fat woman and a young girl began to run by.

"Hey! That's the castle cook, Mrs. Marshy!" Vio said, pointing.

Green and Blue stopped kicking eachother in the nuts and turned to look. Red did, too.

"Mrs. Marshy, is my TV still intact? I must watch _Will and Grace_!" Green cried, running to her (With his legs far apart, of course. His nuts hurt pretty bad).

Mrs. Marshy pulled out a gun and pointed it at Green. The girl (Probably Marshy's daughter) whipped out a pistol and pointed it at him, too.

"Stay back, fiend! We saw the damage you did to the castle! You seemed like a fairly decent kid, but to do such evil things, you're an asshole!"

Red started crying.

"WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO MEAN?" he sobbed.

"But we didn't do anything, you crazy bitch!" Blue insisted.

"Wait, guys...she could be talking about freaky-black-Lysol-clone..." Vio said.

"Oh, goddesses... FREAKY-BLACK-LYSOL-CLONE COULD HAVE GOTTEN TO THE TELEVISION! FOR THE SAKE OF _Will and Grace_, WE MUST FIND HIM!" Green declared. He grabbed Mrs. Marshy and started shaking her. "DID SOMETHING HAPPEN TO MY TV?"

* * *

The four heroes arrived at Hyrule Castle.

"So much destruction...so little time..." Red said tearfully, shaking his head.

"_Will and Grace_! NOOOOOO!" Blue cried, pounding his fists against the wall.

"Shut up! Mrs. Marshy said there were monsters everywhere!" Vio warned.

Suddenly, foot steps were heard...

"Someone's coming..." Red noted.

"GAWD, VIO, IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO LOUD?" Green screamed, kicking Vio in the nuts. Vio yelped and clutched his crotch.

The other three drew their swords, and after his recovery, Vio did too. Then the four waited. Finally, out walked what appeared to be one of Hyrule's knights in full armor!

"HEY, YOU! KNIGHT PERSON!" Green called.

But to the four Links' surprise, the knight drew his sword and started to attack! Out came more evil knight people. They surrounded the heroes, and a fight began!

After a long time of battling, Green, Blue, Red, and Vio were growing weary.

"WE'RE DOOMED! DOOMED, I TELL YOU! THEY'RE GOING TO KILL US 'TILL WE DIE! THEY'RE GOING TO--" Red screamed, but was cut off when Vio slapped him.

"He's right! We can't keep this up!" Green said, blocking an attack from a knight.

Then, all of a sudden, the armor clattered to the ground... They were not knights at all -- just posessed armor... But who had stopped them? It was none other than Shadow Link, who stepped out of the darkness towards the heroes, sword in hand.

"Yeesh...you guys are idiots," he said, huffing some Lysol.

Blue looked at the bottle of Lysol spray.

"YOU'RE the idiot... Don't you know that Lysol can kill you if you huff it?"

Shadow Link cast an energy ball from his sword at Blue. It hit him, sending him flying and screaming.

"DUMBASS! HOW DARE YOU INSULT LYSOL! WHY, LYSOL MADE THE SKY PURPLE!" Shadow Link snapped.

"But the sky's blue..." Red said.

"SHUT UP! IT'S PURPLE!" Shadow Link chucked a rock at Red, knocking him unconcious.

Vio and Green decided not to say anything more on the subject of what color the sky was.

"What did you do to my television set!" Green demanded.

Vio rolled his eyes and said, "What he means is, 'What have you done with Princess Zelda'..."

"Princess Zelda? Well, that's none of your business, but here," Shadow Link replied, tossing a pendant that Zelda had worn on the ground at Green and Vio's feet. "I'm afraid I had to rough her up a bit, she kept bitching. And your TV? Hehe...I set it on fire..."

Green gasped.

"NO...YOU...YOU DIDN'T! YOU COULDN'T HAVE!"

Shadow Link smirked and huffed some of the Lysol.

"Ah, but I did..."

"DIRTY BASTARD!" Green screamed, lunging at Shadow Link.

Shadow Link became transparent and flew up into the air.

"Don't even try it, you fool! You can't beat me, I'm better than you!" he scoffed, huffing the Lysol once more. After a moment he returned to the ground.

Blue slowly sat up.

"YOU AREN'T BETTER THAN US! YOU ONLY THINK YOU ARE BECAUSE YOU LIVE IN A LYSOL-FILLED HAZE! LYSOL SUCKS! IT DOESEN'T EVEN SMELL GOOD!" he shouted.

Shadow Link clenched his fists.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY, PUNK?"

Blue glared and said, "LYSOL SUCKS AND IT SMELLS BAD!"

"FOOL! LYSOL IS A BEAUTIFUL THING! YOU WILL DIE FOR SAYING THAT! ALL OF YOU! DIE! NOW!" Shadow Link screamed as dark energy surrounded him; he casted it at the four. They screamed and were knocked back.

Green remained standing. Wincing he said, "I'm gonna kill you with the Four Sword, you bastard!"

Shadow Link smirked and approached him slowly.

"Listen, you idiot...that sword is powerless. It's ability has been sealed using the magic of the great Gufuu. It won't even scratch me!"

"What...? Who are you to say that? And seriously, who ARE you?"

"I am Shadow Link...you from the Shadow World. So you see, your time is up. I am now going to kill you."

Green shut his eyes and waited for the deadly blow, but it never came. Opening his eyes, he saw Shadow Link go into a coughing fit and pass out. Green blinked and slowly stood up to go check on the others.

Once they were all on their feet (But just barely), Red asked, "He's passed out. Shouldn't we just kill him?"

They all looked at eachother.

"Nah..." the heroes said in unison.

Suddenly, they were transported to the castle's basement! There, hovering in the middle of the room, imprisoned in a crystal thing, was the Blue Maiden!

* * *

"Are you guys ok?" she asked.

"Not really," Vio said.

"Here. I was supposed to give you this earlier, but Shadow Link passed out anyway, and I kind of forgot." A ball of light formed in the Blue Maiden's hands, and it turned into a fairy. She sent it out to them, and the four were healed!

"Listen, heroes... Hyrule is sinking into darkness just like the legend... You must save it, but be wary of that Shadow Link. He was born from the darkness of a hero and created using a sorcerer's magic. You may have been lucky this time, but next time, his powers will be stronger. You have to kill him."

"But we couldn't even hurt him!" Red whined.

"We gotta get you out of here..." Blue said, striking at the maiden's prison with his sword. "What the! It doesen't work?"

"You don't have enough force to break this seal..." the woman said.

"Force?" Green questioned.

"Yes, force."

"Blue Maiden, where is Princess Zelda?" Vio asked.

"I don't know. I can only sense that she is still alive..." the Blue Maiden replied.

"Well, we better go. We have to kill Shadow Link, he broke my TV!" Green said as he began to leave.

"Wait! Green, you don't even know where we're supposed to be going!" Vio told him.

Green stopped.

"Go to the east," the Blue Maiden said, "I can sense the Red Maiden there..."

* * *

A little while later, the four were heading east.

Green sighed sadly... He missed _Will and Grace_, and it seemed all hope was lost...

"Damn you, Shadow Link... That was the only TV for miles around! AND YOU WENT AND FUCKED IT UP! YOU FUCK WITH _Will and Grace, _YOU GET FUCKED WITH, DAMMIT!"

"You, uh, DO realize that you're talking out loud, don't you?" Vio questioned.

"Oh. I am?"

"Yes," said Red.

"I feel for ya, man. Well, I AM you, so that's probably why," Blue said.

"If Shadow Link hadn't passed out, he would've killed us! Killed us DEAD! I think we're no match for him..." sighed Green.

"He may increase his power, but so can we," Vio said.

"Ah, well, that's good enough for me. Thanks, Vio. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go to the east, find that maiden, and KICK SOME FUCKING ASS, YO!" Green shouted.


	3. Elne's a Lesbian

_**Sorry if this chapter sucks somethin' awful, but it was the hardest one to write so far. This chapter in the manga confused me the first time I read it, so that proves to you that this was not an easy job. So ha.**_

**_YOU MUST REVIEW!_**

* * *

_**Chapter 3: Elne's a Lesbian**_

Vio sat beneath a tree, browsing through porn. Glancing up, he caught a glimpse of his 3 companions collecting "force" through sword battling...or something.

"BRING IT ON, BITCH!" Blue shouted, lunging at Green.

Green yelped and jumped back.

"BLUE, YOU DUMBFUCK, DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT WE'RE TRYING TO DO HERE?"

"Well, I know I was about to kill you. I don't know what YOU were doing," Blue replied.

Green kicked Blue in the nuts.

"You're a fucking asshole. We were collecting FORCE! We get FORCE every time we hit stuff with our swords, got it?"

Blue kicked Green in the nuts.

"I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK FORCE IS!" He turned to look at Vio. "HEY, STUDY BOY, WHAT'S FORCE?"

Vio didn't move his eyes from the porn as he said, "I have no idea."

"But you said you were studying, Vio, you should know. Wait...you ARE studying, right?" Red asked.

Vio tried to hide the porn.

"Uuummm...yyyyeah... Yeah, I'm studying...or something..."

Blue walked over to Vio and ripped the porn from his hands.

"PIECE OF SHIT! YOU'VE BEEN LOOKING AT PORN THE WHOLE TIME!" Blue looked at Green and Red. "HEY, GUYS, VIO'S BEEN HOLDING OUT ON US! HE TOOK THE PORN, DAMMIT!"

Green and Red gasped dramatically.

"Big fucking deal!" Vio said.

Blue yanked Vio to his feet.

"OK, VIO, THAT WAS THE STRAW THAT BROKE THE CAMEL'S BACK! NOW WE ARE GOING TO KICK EACHOTHER IN THE NUTS UNTIL ONE OF US FALLS!"

"What? Blue, that's stupid, I'm not going to--OW, SHIT!" Blue kicked Vio in the crotch.

Vio kicked Blue in the crotch.

"Um, guys! Guys! Stop! The food's ready!" Red said quickly.

Blue dropped the porn on the ground and ran to go eat. When he was gone, Vio looked around quickly to make sure no one was watching, and stuffed the porn into his tunic before following the others...

The 4 Links sat down at their campsite and started eating.

"Is there a faster way to collect force?" Green asked.

"I don't know," Vio said.

"Well, maybe you WOULD know, had you not been looking at PORN instead of STUDYING!" Blue snapped.

Vio gave no reply to Blue. Instead, he said, "We just have to be careful of Shadow Link. I mean, he could be spying on us right now."

Blue, Red, and Green started laughing.

"Spying? Ha, don't kid, Vio!" Green chuckled.

Vio rolled his eyes.

"Speaking of Shadow Link," said Red, "Have you guys ever noticed how he's all, like...wispy looking?"

"'Wispy looking'?" Green repeated.

"Yeah. Kind of like air or wind or something."

There was a moment of thoughtful silence.

"Maybe he's a type of gas," Green suggested.

"You mean like a gas called Shadow Link?" said Blue.

"Yeah, I mean, he can become transparent and stuff, so he's probably a type of gas," said Green.

And thus, the long convesation on Shadow Link lasted until the meal's end. The only one not participating in it was Vio, because he did not want to degrade himself.

After they finished eating, the Links set out their campfire and continued east to the town where the Red Maiden was being held.

* * *

When the 4 heroes were a good distance away, a thing that had appeared to be a normal rock opened its one eye. Yes, my friends, it was a spy creature that could easily disguise itself as a rock by simply shutting its eye.

The creature rolled across the ground until it came to a crack in the earth, which it fell down in order to return to its master. It dropped lightly onto the shoulder of its owner: Shadow Link.

After his pet had given him all the information it had just discovered, Shadow Link said, "Hmm. I see. So they are slowly collecting force to return power to the Four Sword..." He huffed his Lysol for a moment before continuing, "And they seem to think I am a type of gas. The fools... I am NOT a gas, I am a SHADOW! FUCKIN' DUH! I'll whoop their asses before they can ruin the plans. AH HA HA HA HA HA HA...HA...oh, crap..." Shadow Link went into another coughing fit.

"Go...rock-eye spy thing..." Shadow Link coughed and continued, "Spy...on them...(cough) some more..."

The little creature flew into the air and left to go find the 4 heroes.

Shadow Link continued coughing. "Gah...need...(cough) oxygen..." Then he passed out.

* * *

A young girl sat in her house near a window. In her hands she held a doll, and she sat gazing at it sadly.

"Oh, Rosy..." the girl told the doll, "Today I have to give you away to some other kid... I'll miss you..."

The girl looked around to make sure no one else was in the room. When she saw that she was alone, she began playing with the doll's breasts.

Shouting coming from outside ceased her lustful focus, and looking out the window, she saw a bunch of townsfolk arguing and beating the shit out of eachother.

"Oh no! The townspeople are at it again," she said, setting the doll down to go outside.

"Elne!" the girl's mother warned, "Be careful! 18 children have gone missing in this town, ya know."

The girl, Elne, ignored her parent's warning.

"Don't worry, mom! I'll be fine." And with that, Elne set off.

Her mother slammed the door behind her.

"Fine, ya little brat! Get kidnapped and raped! See if I care!"

* * *

Green, Blue, Red, and Vio entered the town of their destination.

"Where do we find the Red Maiden?" Red asked.

Green slapped Red.

"I dunno," said Vio.

Blue kicked Vio in the nuts.

"Yeah, well, maybe you WOULD know if you had spent your time studying instead of getting a boner!"

"Don't make me hurt you, you fuck..." Vio snarled.

Green slapped Red again.

"Ow! Why are you doing that?" Red whined.

The 4 heard shouting, and they looked to see a long line of angry people, and a girl about their age running to them.

"STOP! Please, don't fight!" the girl cried.

A man shoved the girl down.

"STAY OUTTA THIS, YA LITTLE BITCH!" he snapped.

The girl got up again.

"Don't be that way, I beg of you! Fighting will only make things worse!" she begged.

Several townsfolk prepared to attack the girl. She screamed, shut her eyes, cowered, and waited to be hit, but something held the people back. Opening her eyes, the girl saw 4 boys (The heroes) with shields standing before her, holding off her attackers.

Once the people had given up and backed off a bit, the boys turned to look at the girl.

"You ok?" Green asked.

The girl blinked, startled to see that they all looked almost exactly alike, except for their clothes.

"Yes, I'm fine. My name is Elne, and thanks for saving me. Who are you guys? Are you quadruplets?"

The 4 started laughing.

"Quadruplets? Ha, that's dumb! We are the hero Link!" they said in unison. Elne gave them a funny look.

Turning back to the long line of people, Blue said, "You guys are fucking stupid. You don't go beating up children like that. Do you beat your own children?"

A woman sobbed, "Our children are gone, you asshole! They've been kidnapped! We can't beat them now that they're gone!"

The 4 were confused.

* * *

A little while later, Elne explained what had happened.

"A tornado swept through here 10 days ago, and after that, 18 children went missing. Those people in line were trying to get into the mayor's office to demand that their children be found, but... Well, anyway, everyone's been saying that God took the children away, but I know that's not true, because I saw something. I saw a sad looking shadow that looked just like my best friend."

"Woah, that's really weird!" exclaimed Red.

Elne nodded sadly, but then perked up a little and said, "So your names are Link? That sounds really familiar... Wait a second, you're that hero from Hyrule! I didn't know that Link was a quadruplet."

The 4 laughed again.

"Well, anyway, please save the missing children...please? For me?" Elne said, making a puppy face.

"Woah, she's pretty, come to think of it..." muttered Blue.

"Yeah..." Green agreed quietly.

"Huh?" said Elne. "Did you say something?"

"Um...bicycle?" said Green.

"Well, ok. So will you help?"

"Of course we will," Vio said.

"Great! You guys can rest at my house tonight. I'm sure your tired," Elne offered.

* * *

"Elne's really pretty..." Red said dreamily, holding onto his pillow as he sat on his cot.

"Shut up," said Blue, slapping Red.

"Ow! You like her too, ya know!" Red whined.

"I wonder if Gufuu kidnapped those kids..." Vio said thoughtfully from his cot, looking at a book (But it was probably porn).

"Gufuu only kidnaps chicks; you know, like Playboy Bunnies and stuff," Blue said.

"But Gufuu kidnapped Zelda and she's not a Playboy Bunny!" Red told him.

Blue slapped Red again.

"Stupid! SHADOW LINK kidnapped Zelda, not Gufuu!"

"But Gufuu was probably behind it!" Red said defensively.

"You're both stupid, Gufuu doesen't kidnap Playboy Bunnies..." Vio muttered.

"But he does!" said Red.

"Doesen't," Vio replied.

"Does!" Red retorted.

"DOESEN'T..."

Suddenly, Red and Vio were silenced as Blue spun around and pointed his sword.

"Um, Blue, w...what are you doing?" Red asked timidly. Vio blinked.

"I felt a tingling on the back of my neck...like someone was watching me..." Blue said steadily.

"Whoever it was was probably staring at your fat ass," Vio snorted.

"Shut up, Vio, I'm warning you... I'll kick your ass so hard that you'll...hey, what's this rock doing here?" Blue said, moving a pillow on his cot slightly to reveal a rock. Little did the heroes know that this was Shadow Link's rock-spy-thing...

Vio looked back at his book (Or porn, who knows) and said, "Just chuck the damn thing out the window..."

Blue obeyed and asked, "Hey, where's Green?"

Red said, "Green told me that he was going to get some fresh air."

* * *

Green walked around the outside of the house, and suddenly spotted Elne sitting on the porch, poking at the breasts of a doll. He walked up to her.

Upon seeing him, Elne quickly stopped, and said, "Oh, uh...hi...eh heh..."

Green frowned. "Elne, it's dangerous for you to be out here alone," he said, sitting down next to her.

Elne suddenly looked sad as she gazed down at the doll in her hands. With a sigh, she replied, "I know...I was just saying good-bye to Rosy." She nodded to the doll. "I'll be giving her away to a needy child. I'll really miss her...I had fun with her, but I'm too old for dolls..."

"If you really want to keep her, then you shouldn't give her away..." Green said seductively, putting his hand on Elne's.

Elne looked a little surprised.

"Um, please, don't--"

But suddenly, Green was yanked away by his ear by none other than Blue.

"Tryin' to have sex with her before me, huh, punk?" Blue growled.

"Ow, I wasn't! Let go of my ear!" Green snapped.

* * *

After Blue dragged Green away, Elne looked back down at Rosy and just as she was about to play with the toy's breasts again, she was shocked to hear it speak.

"Let's play some more, Elne..." it said with a giggle. Elne gasped and dropped Rosy.

The doll cackled and latched itself onto Elne's boobs.

Rosy said, "Let's go to a place where we can make love all day long..."

And then the girl disappeared.

* * *

A second or so later, Green managed to escape from Blue. He returned to Elne's spot in hopes of seducing her, but was shocked to see her gone. All that remained of her was Rosy laying on the ground.

"She disappeared!" Green gasped, running off to find her.

Dashing down the path near the house, Green quickly stopped when he saw what looked like Elne's shadow.

"Elne?" he uttered. "Wait a minute...this...this is just a shadow!"

Green heard laughter behind him, and turned around to find to his surprise, a rock with an eye...

"How funny..." said the rock.

Green yelped out of shock and started to run away, but was stopped when he nearly stepped on another rock with an eye. He attempted to run once more, but found himself surrounded by rocks.

"I saw it..." they said, "I saw it! The part when the hero gets frightened... I SAW IT! MWUAHAHAHAHAHA!"

And suddenly, Green went unconcious...

* * *

Green's eyes opened slowly, and found Red, Blue, and Vio staring down at him.

"Green! You're here too, huh?" said Vio.

Green stood up.

"I saw a weird rock, then these eyes surrounded me...and I woke up here... What is this place?" asked Green, gaping at his surroundings.

It appeared they were in the town, only it was all topsy-turvy and dream-like.

"Everything's all wobbly..." said Red, peering around.

Vio said, "This is an imitation of the real world. It's like the original world, but something's completely different...sort of like how we are."

"Look at that!" Blue said, pointing to what appeared to be children running around. "Maybe they're the missing kids!"

The 4 approached the group.

"Hey, you kids--" Green started, but was cut off when the "children" turned around...

They were only sex toys and condoms...life size sex toys and condoms...

"This is the Lover's World," said a pink dildo.

"We get to have sex whenever we want, it's fun," added a sex doll.

"We fucked so much we turned into sex items," said a condom.

The Links gasped, but then they spotted what looked like Elne with her back turned...

"E-Elne?" Red stammered.

Elne turned around, but it was seen that she had turned into a sex doll! Blue let out a cat call, and Vio kicked him.

Red gasped. "Elne!"

Green looked towards the sky.

"Come out, Shadow Link! We know you're behind this!" he snarled. "Turn these kids back to normal!"

But there was no sign of Shadow Link. Instead, a giant rock formed in front of them... And it spoke.

"Welcome to the Lover's World, heh heh..." And then it opened its one large eye... Hordes of smaller rocks with eyes appeared and flew right at the Links, who raised their shields to defend themselves.

"We have to destroy the main rock!" said Vio.

Glancing behind him, Green saw a box full of weapons.

"Guys! These can help us! Defeat the little rock things!" he said, pulling a boomerang out of the box.

Vio grabbed a bow and some arrows, Red picked out a slingshot, and Blue took a hammer.

"Wait..." the main rock said, "We're gonna battle? I thought I was just gonna kill you... Well, if we're going to fight, then we need battle music."

Suddenly, Britney Spears' and Madonna's 'Me Against the Music' started playing out of nowhere.

"Um, was that really nessecary?" Vio asked.

"Yes, Britney Spears is wicked cool," replied the rock. "Ok, now let's fight."

Green threw his boomerang and took out a couple of the rocks. Once they were dead, small triangles appeared! They were force! Green collected them and said, "Red, Blue, Vio! When you kill the mini rocks, you get force!"

The 4 rapidly killed the mini rocks. The main rock attempted to crush Red, but Vio leapt in front of him and fired several arrows into its eye.

"GAAH, I CAN'T SEE!" the rock screamed. While it was still trying to recover, Blue ran up and smacked it with his hammer. The main rock broke in half and like...died. Force started showering everywhere, and the 4 started gathering it.

"Well, that was way easier than expected..." commented Blue.

All of a sudden, a shrine appeared before them. The 4 Links entered it cautiously, and found the Red Maiden imprisoned in a crystal!

"You have defeated the stone monster Arrghus and collected force. Please...break my seal," she said.

Green destroyed the seal, and the Red Maiden was free.

"Although you have restored much power to the Four Sword, you will still need more in order to defeat Shadow Link. But here..." The maiden handed them a small pearl. "This is the Moon Pearl. When it is shone upon the moon, the portal to the Dark World opens. It will come in handy when you kick Shadow Link's ass."

* * *

A little while later, the 4 Links and all the missing children were back at the town.

"Thank you for saving us..." said Elne.

Green leaned close to Elne and whispered, "So, Elne...will you...have sex with me?"

Elne blinked. "Um, I'm sorry...I'm already in a relationship."

"WHAT?" Green shrieked. "WITH WHO?"

Elne blushed and stuttered, "Well, uh, it's kind of unique, you see--"

One of the missing children, a girl with long, curled blonde hair wearing a red dress pushed through the group of children and made her way to Elne.

"Elne!" she cried, running up to the girl.

"Bambi!" Elne exclaimed, and the 2 girls started kissing.

The 4 heroes gasped.

"Elne, you're a...you're a...a lesbian?" Red said.

Elne and Bambi broke off.

Elne nodded and said, "Yes, I'm a lesbian..."

Vio looked at Bambi.

"Hey, what are you doing here? This isn't your story... You should be in The Legend of Zelda: Hidden Fire! And I didn't know you were a lesbian."

Bambi looked at him funny.

"What? I'm not a lesbian, silly! I'm bisexual!"

Elne and Bambi held hands.

"Thanks again, and we hope to see you soon! You've done so much for us!" Elne gushed. "Oh...and I'm sorry there was no hope for a relationship between us..."

"Don't...say...a word..." Green grumbled, walking away. The other 3 followed, and off they went to continue their quest...


	4. The Missing Links

_**This chapter was hard to write. Sorry it sucks.**_

* * *

_**Chapter 4: The Missing Links**_

"Woah, sweet, dude... We actually managed to do team work!" Vio said as the 4 Links brought a canoe onto the shore.

"It's a cute little canoe!" gushed Red. Blue slapped him.

"Ow...why does everyone always do that?" Red whined.

"Because you're a fucking idiot," Green answered.

"Oh," Red said.

A little while later, the 4 Links were in the canoe, heading for Death Mountain, where they would find another maiden. Well...they THOUGHT they were going to Death Mountain...

"I think we're almost there!" Green said.

"Yeah, this isn't so bad..." Blue replied.

"Umm...guys?" Vio said.

"Yeah?" Red asked.

"Well, how can we be heading FOR Death Mountain if we're heading AWAY from it?"

Everyone was silent for a moment. Then Green and Blue started beating Red with their oars.

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT RED!" Blue screamed.

"WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO DUMB?" Green added.

Red started crying.

"But I didn't--ow--do anything!" he wailed.

Suddenly, the river became rapid for some reason... Vio was the only one who seemed to notice.

"GUYS, START ROWING OR WE'RE GONNA FLIP OVER!" he screeched.

"WHY DOESEN'T RED ROW? IT'S ALL _HIS_ FAULT IN THE FIRST PLACE!" Blue argued.

"But I didn't do any--OW!" Green hit Red with his oar before he could finish his sentence.

"GUYS!" Vio yelled, but too late. The canoe crashed into a tree that just so happened to be in the middle of the river.

* * *

Green awoke and felt around. 

"Sand...?"

Opening his eyes, he saw he was laying in a desert.

"What the fuck?"

Standing up, Green started walking around, and found that he was actually in a village in the desert. The village of the Gerudo...

"Where are Red, Blue, and Vio?" he asked himself. There was a moment of silence on Green's part before he said, "Ah well, I don't particularly care."

"Greetings traveler. We offer free massage and...OTHER services, hehe... So, are you interested?" Green turned to face the Gerudo woman who had spoken to him.

"By 'other services', do you mean what I think you mean?" he asked.

The Gerudo woman smiled and nodded.

"Well, ok, let's do it. I can defeat Gufuu later," Green said, smirking.

And with that, Green and the Gerudo woman went into a tent...

* * *

Blue awoke to freezing cold, and found himself laying in the snow. 

Sitting up, he said, "What the fuck? It's not supposed to be snowing at this time of year! Green, Red, Vio, what does -- Green, Red, Vio?" Looking around, Blue found them missing. He stood up and looked around.

"Woah...they're not here! Maybe because of that canoeing accident, I turned back into 1 Link!" he said excitedly.

"Help! Someone, please help!" a voice cried.

Searching around, Blue found that the voice's owner was an old man trapped in the snow. He dug him out.

"Oh, thank you, young hero! Young...HANDSOME...hero..." the old man said, licking his lips and checking Blue out.

"Don't mention it. Well, actually, you should be thanking me, seeing as how awesome I am," Blue replied arrogantly, failing to notice that the old man seemed to be having ideas of mollesting him.

"What is your name?" the old man asked.

"Well, I just so happen to be the hero Link!" Blue said.

"What's your number?"

"What?"

"Umm...nothing?"

"Right. Well, anyway, why is it snowing, old man? Have I missed Christmas?" Blue asked.

"Gufuu has been screwing up the weather. But I know where he is..." the old man said.

"Where is he?"

"I'll only tell you if you let me touch you here..." The old man pointed to his crotch. "And here..." He pointed to his ass.

"Well...ok," Blue said.

After the old man finished doing what he wanted to Blue, Blue asked, "Ok, now that that's done, where is Gufuu?"

The old man pointed to a nearby cave. Wind was blowing fiercely out of it.

"He's in that cave..."

"Thanks! Well, see ya," Blue said, heading into the cave.

"Come out, Gufuu!" he yelled defiantly once inside.

A mysterious voice said, "Aww, look, the little idiot's all alone... Are you scared? Are you...LONELY?"

"What the fuck? Who said that?" Blue asked.

"I did!"

Blue turned to see the old man, who had turned into a monster. The old man opened his mouth, and sent an icy blast at Blue, freezing the poor hero.

"Foolish yet very attractive hero...you must know that Gufuu is not your only enemy..."

* * *

Red awoke in a forest. 

"Where am I? Green, Blue, Vio, where are w -- guys?"

Looking around, Red found he was alone. He stood up.

"Guys?"

Suddenly, a young boy ran up to Red and grabbed his tunic.

"Dude, help me!" the boy cried.

"What's wrong?" Red asked.

"The crazy townspeople are saying I commited arson!"

"Did you?"

"Ye -- umm...no."

A mob of townspeople approached the two children.

"Help me!" the young boy yelped, hiding behind Red.

"There you are! You set the town on fire!" the townspeople said, glaring at the boy.

"Um, but he said he didn't do anything!" Red defended.

"DUMBASS, HE SET THE FUCKING TOWN ON FIRE!" a guy shouted at Red.

"Have you heard of 'innocent until proven guilty'?" Red replied nervously.

"You were involved in this too, weren't you!" a woman snapped.

"What? No! I'm just a hero who wants to defeat Gufuu!"

"Then where's your sword and shield, 'Mr. Hero'?" a girl snorted, smirking.

Red felt for his Four Sword and shield, but found them missing. Also, the young boy was no longer behind him...

"What the? They've been stolen!" Red squeaked.

"LET'S KILL HIM!" the townspeople shouted, pulling out rifles and pointing them at Red.

Red screamed and started running away, the mob at his heels, shooting at him.

"Ok, this is not good...not good at all..." Red murmured, hiding behind a bush.

"Yeah, those townspeople are nutters!" a voice behind him said.

Turning around, Red saw it was the kid! Grabbing him by the shirt he said, "Gimme my stuff back!"

"I didn't steal it! You didn't have a sword or a shield!"

"Oh...I must have lost it in the rapid..."

"Yeah, probably. But hey...you can have this weapon I found!" said the kid, taking out a shiny red rod.

Red took it.

"Ooh! What does this do?"

Twisting the handle, Red unfortunately found that it set things on fire. Even worse, the townspeople saw.

"ARSON!" the kid cried, pointing at Red.

"Umm...this isn't what it looks like..." Red told the people.

* * *

Vio was fighting off monsters in a forest. 

"Dammit, I'm stuck in here... And plus, there are monsters everywhere! This forest's, like...possessed..."

He started walking again in hopes of finding a way about, but tripped over something. Looking to see who it was, he found a couple of Deku Scrubs.

"Hey, watch it you stupid piece of shit!" the Scrub he had tripped over snapped.

"Yes, we must be respectful to the boss!" a second said.

"Do you mean Gufuu?" Vio asked.

"No!" a third barked, spitting in Vio's eye. "We mean the Great Ganondorf, you uncle fucker!"

"Ganondorf?"

But the Scrubs just started walking away, chanting, "Here we go Ganondorf, here we go! Woot, woot!"

Vio continued walking, thinking about what had just happened.

"Ganondorf... That's an ancient name from the Gerudo tribe, the name of an evil man... I have to find the others! I must tell them!" Vio started to run, but was stopped by a familiar yet drunkly slurred voice.

"Do they...really...hic...need to know?"

Looking up, Vio saw Shadow Link sitting on the branch of a tall tree. Surprisingly, he did not have a can of Lysol with him. Instead, he was loosely holding a nearly empty bottle of Vodka. Judging by the way he looked, sounded, and acted, Vio guessed that he had probably drunken the alchohol all by himself.

Shadow fell out of the tree and at Vio's feet. Vio just stared.

Shadow grabbed the bottom of Vio's tunic to pull himself up. When he was on his feet (But just barely, mind you), he draped his arms over Vio's shoulders for support. Vio was surprised that he was able to be not dead after drinking most of a large bottle of Vodka, let alone be able to stand up.

"Ok, this is really awkward. Now let go of me," Vio said.

"Hic...don't...hic...talk like that...b-babe..." Shadow sputtered.

"WHAT!"

"You can...hic...come to my place... You can...like...hic...join the dark side...hic... There's also lots of...other stuff w-we could do, like--"

"Please, don't even say it," Vio said, grimacing.

Shadow put a finger on Vio's lips to silence him.

"Don't...hic...talk...my love..."

Vio tried to get away, but found that a mysterious force had him stuck where he was...

Shadow moved his face closer to Vio's and said, "You...hic...look good tonight..."

Vio tried to say something in protest, but suddenly found that he was mysteriously kept silent. Not only that, but he also found himself losing control as Shadow used freaky hypnotic powers on him...

"Now...hic...come to the dark side, and come to me, baby..." Shadow said seductively, pulling Vio on top of him...

* * *

Green awoke among a pile of naked Gerudo chicks. 

"Oh, shit, I gotta do my quest!" he gasped, freeing himself of the nude bodies. He ran out of the tent and started running to the desert (I don't know why he does this in the manga, this part was really dumb).

"Wait! It's dangerous out there! Do you even know where you're going!" a guard shouted.

"No, but I gotta find my clones!" Green declared, running away.

After a while, he reached a temple, and entered.

"Blue? Red? Vio?" he called.

Green gasped as he looked down. All around his feet were bones and skeletons and mummies... Unfortunately, they came back from the dead and started attacking him.

Green tried to fight them off, but found that his sword was no match for them. It was lacking force for some weird reason.

"Wha...what's wrong with my Four Sword!" Green stuttered.

Knowing he was unable to defeat the zombies, he had to run for it.

"Oh, man, what am I gonna do...I need the others..." he said when he was safely away from the monsters.

"Oh, and you just realized that?" a mysterious voice said.

Looking up, Green saw the voices owner -- a transparent armoured monster heading straight for him.


	5. Green Gets Too Much Attention, Dammit

_**The next chapter shall be delayed, seeing as there is a delay in the release of chapter 6 of the MANGA.**_

* * *

_**Chapter 5: Green Gets Too Much Attention, Dammit**_

Green lunged at the armor clad monster, but his attack went right through.

"Well, shit, I don't think that's a good thing," he noted. The monster suddenly tried to bring its sword down on the hero's head, who luckily made it out of the way. However, it managed to break the floor.

Knowing that it was an even worse thing for the enemy to be able to attack while he couldn't, Green said, "Ok, I'm going to run away now and try to find a way out of here. I'll see ya around."

Replied the monster, "Ok, I'll give you a head start."

Green set off away from the monster at lightning speed.

"Dude, I gotta get out of here! That things gonna, like, kill me!"

Up ahead, the emerald-clad hero spotted a large window, the light of the moon shining into it. He ran to it, and tried to jump so he could climb out through it, but found that he was too damn short.

"Shit, dude, this just isn't my day! Why must the goddesses hate me so?"

Came Din's voice, "'Cause you're a stupid, fucking asshole."

"Yeah!" agreed Nayru.

"And you're short," added Farore.

"Well, screw you, bitches!" Green shot.

At that moment, the transparent monster floated through the wall.

"Ready or not, here I come!" it said.

"HEY! I WAS NOT READY!" Green whined. "Just give me 5 more seconds."

"Ok," replied the monster.

5 seconds later, it said, "Alright, time for you to die, you short little shithead."

"I'm not THAT short, am I?" Green whimpered. But he did not recieve a reply, for the evil monster attacked him.

"STOP THAT!" Green yelled.

"OH, SHUT UP, I GAVE YOU A HEAD START AND 5 ADDITIONAL SECONDS!"

Green knew he needed a plan, and fast. Then, out of the blue, he noticed the ray of moonlight coming from the window. That lead him to remember the Moon Pearl the Red Maiden had given him. Said to open the portal to the Dark World upon being shown to the moonlight, the Moon Pearl was quite the treasure. The emerald hero removed it from his pocket and held it high above his head in the moonlight.

Now that he was, like, sucked into the Dark World or whatever, the foe was no longer transparent. Flipping on his cool sunglasses, Green attacked, saying, "Austa la vista, baby!"

When his Four Sword made impact, the monster moaned. Its helmet cracked and broke off, revealing one of Hyrule's knights, Valenzuela! Green gasped dramatically.

"VALENZUELA!" he shrieked.

"Woah, dude, was I turned into a monster?" Valenzuela asked.

"Yep."

Valenzuela approached Green, who became uneasy. His father had had a restraining order placed on the fellow knight, for on Tuesdays, Valenzuela would sneak into their house, rape their dog, and start touching Link.

Green backed up a little more, but Valenzuela was quick. He wrapped an arm around the boy's waist and started playing with his hair.

"And...thank you...what a fine little boy you are. A _courageous_ little boy... A handsome boy... What pretty blue eyes you have. And...such soft, clean hair...with much volume in it..."

"Umm, my restraining order!" Green uttered.

Valenzuela quickly backed off, looking pretty damn disappointed. Green let out a sigh of relief.

"Isn't there anything you want to give me? You know, like the Jewel Key you're supposed to give me? And then tell me that there are 3 other Jewel Keys I need to get in order to unlock Vaati's Palace and rescue Princess Zelda? And that Shadow Link and Gufuu are only puppets of Ganon, who is really behind all this?"

"Ummm...what?"

"Screw you then, bitch," Green snorted, walking up to Valenzuela, shoving him to the ground, taking the Jewel Key, and using the Moon Pearl to leave the Dark World.

* * *

Red fell out of the sky and landed before the pyramid. A fairy fluttered around next to his head.

"Woah, I'm like...in a desert!" Red gasped incredulously.

"No duh," the fairy replied.

Red started crying.

"But I still don't have my Four Sword and shield, and I'm still separated from the others!"

"Suck it up, bitch," said the fairy, slapping him.

"Jeez! Why does everyone in this chapter have to say 'bitch'?" Red asked.

"...I...don't know... I just...don't know..."

"Oh, look! Foot prints! I bet they're Green's!" Red said excitedly, spotting footprints in the sand.

"How do you figure that?" the fairy asked, puzzled. "I mean, they could be Blue's or Vio's."

"Well, 'cause I just do, you see."

"Ok, I won't question as to why..."

"Well, anyway, could you transport me to Green or something, Miss Fairy?"

"Mmm...well...ok, whatever. I GUESS I'll try..."

Before he knew it, Red and his fairy companion founds themselves in an ice cave.

"Green's _here?_" Red asked suspiciously.

"I dunno," the fairy replied.

"RAWR!" The monster/old man thing that had mollested and frozen Blue jumped out at Red and tried to freeze him, but Red screamed, and out of reflex, destroyed the enemy with the Fire Rod he still had with him.

"Whew...that was a scare," Red panted, leaning against something.

"Huh?"

He turned to see what he had fallen back on, and saw with surprise that it was the frozen Blue!

"HOLY SIHT, OH MY GODDESSES, MONKEY BALLS, IT'S BLUE!" Red yelled.

"Stop acting like such a dumbfuck!" the fairy snapped. "Now just use that damn rod of your's to unfreeze him!"

"What? Well, ok..." Red said, pulling down his tights.

"NOT THAT ROD! THE FIRE ROD!"

"Oooohhh! Well, why didn't you say so?" Red replied, pulling up his tights and setting Blue on fire. The ice melted, but Blue caught fire. He screamed.

"STOP, DROP, ROLL! STOP, DROP ROLL!" Blue ran into the wall, fell down, and put himself out. Unfortunately for him, it had burned all his clothes off, leaving him completely naked. Getting up, he spotted Red.

"Red?"

"Blue! You're here! And you're naked! I MISSED YOU!" Red cried, hugging Blue.

"DON'T HUG ME WHILE I'M NAKED! THIS IS REALLY AWKWARD!" Blue howled.

"Sorry..." Red said, breaking off.

"So, what are you doing here, Blue? And why were you all frozen and stuff?"

"Well, when we all got separated, I landed in this blizzardy place, right? And then I saved this old man, who told me he'd tell me where Gufuu was if I let him touch me here..." Blue pointed to his rear. "And here." He pointed to his cock. "So after I let him, he told me that Gufuu was in here. Then he froze me, or whatever..."

"Woah, Blue, you got mollested?"

"I did?"

"Ummm...yeah."

The fairy snorted. There was a moment of silence following.

Suddenly, Blue whipped out his mallet and hit Red on the head.

"DAMMIT, I GOT MOLLESTED, AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, RED!"

"OW! But it's not like I mollested you! Well, there was that one time in Cancun when we -- I MEAN, NOTHING EVER HAPPENED!"

"15 POINTS FROM HUFFLEPUFF!" Blue snarled.

"Blue, we all made an agreement not to play Harry Potter anymore, remember? We're too mature for it now!" said Red.

"We played it 3 days ago, Red."

"Yeah, but it's not cool anymore."

"You only started saying that after Vio shoved a tree branch up your ass and told you to stop playing Harry Potter 'cause it wasn't cool. Then he shoved you off a cliff and started masturbating to porn again."

"Well, yeah, but --"

"Oh, come on Red, our Harry Potter playing days were good, remember?"

"Well, yeah, I guess..." Red agreed.

"AHEM!" the fairy fake-coughed. Red and Blue looked at her.

"Who's the fairy?" Blue asked.

"She saved me from a mob of angry townspeople," Red told him with a nod.

"Well, you both fucking suck, so let's go find Green and Vio," said the fairy, transporting them to the Dark World even though in the manga she doesen't do that but they get there anyway but in this story I made her do it anyway 'cause I felt like it, the end. Not really. It's not the end.

Suddenly, Red and Blue heard a voice (No, not the schizophrenic type).

"Red, Blue..." it said.

"THAT SOUNDS LIKE GREEN!" Red cried.

"Why's it always Green? Green's footprints, Green's voice... Do you like, have a crush on him or something?" the fairy asked.

"Ummm...ye -- no. NO..." Red replied.

"It could be Vio," Blue said.

"No, it's Green!" Red stuck by his theory.

"THAT'S IT, I'M SICK OF YOUR CRAP! LET'S KICK EACHOTHER IN THE NUTS 'TILL ONE OF US FALLS!"

"Why do you always have to do tha -- OW, SHIT!" Blue kicked Red in the groin. Then he did it again. And again.

"Both of you, stop it and look!" the fairy snapped. Looking up, Blue and Red found themselves before a large dark, creepy temple.

"What is this place?" Red asked.

"I think it was the Light Temple or something gay like that. Now it's all creepy and junk," replied the fairy.

The voice said, "Blue, Red!"

Footsteps were heard coming from the temple.

"H-hello?" Blue called.

Suddenly, Vio appeared at the doorway of the temple. BUTT NAKED.

"I've been waiting..." he said.


	6. Spookeh

_**Chapter 6: Spookeh**_

"Ok, so it is decided. We shall have condom dispensers in the bathrooms of the palace. Now we must discuss bigger problems, like how the four heroes aren't DEAD YET! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ALL O' YOUS? Kill them! They're separated, so it shouldn't be THAT much of an effort..." snorted Gufuu, hovering in the sky above all his minions.

"You!" he barked, eyeing the hungover Shadow. "Haven't you done anything, oh, I don't know...USEFUL?"

Shadow huffed more of his Lysol, stumbled forward, then fell. Everyone else shook their heads.

"Do not Gufuu Sorcerer worry..." he slurred, "lured Blue to I and Red have the Temple Darkness of...hic."

Gufuu and the other creatures exchanged glances.

Shadow continued, "Sided has with Vio us... Red's have Sword Four also us with I here...hic." He chucked Red's Four Sword at Gufuu, and it barely missed him.

With a brief glance at the blade, Gufuu then said to Shadow, "Well, those may have been actions worthy of praise, had I been able to understand one single fucking word you just said... Have you considered, rehab, son? I know of a really good one. My sister went to it, it's simply fabulous."

Shadow hiccupped, stood up, huffed more Lysol, and grumbled, "No have problem I...go beer a I'm get gonna now..." With that, the shadow of Link shuffled away.

"Well, that was rather...disturbing. Anyway, I now need a volunteer to go kill Blue and Red. Kill them DEAD, ok?" Gufuu said.

"I'LL DO IT!" cried all the creatures of darkness in unison.

Gufuu randomly killed at least half of them.

"THAT is what you get for talking in unison! I HATE UNISON!"

The rest of the monsters were stone silent, but suddenly, a new voice said, "I'll kill the heroes, sweetie. I would do, like, a totally fabulous job on it!"

Everyone turned to see a giant ghost creature dressed in a purple sweater: the Big Poe.

"Ah, yes, Big Poe. You are up to the job?" asked Gufuu.

"Like, yah, sweetie!" replied the Big Poe, flicking his hand in a feminine way.

More glances were exchanged in between the monsters.

Said Gufuu, "Very well. Get to it then."

* * *

Zelda stood at the very top of the Wind Palace, attempting to commit suicide by jumping off of it. But just as she was about to, a fierce wind swirled upward past her, preventing the end of her life.

"Dammit!" swore Zelda.

Said a voice from behind, "The wind's not gonna let you go, princess. What the hell were you trying to do just now, anyway?"

Turning to face Shadow Link, Zelda replied, "Trying to commit suicide."

"Why?"

"'Cause everything sucks! This whole story sucks ASS! I'm gonna end it, 'cause if I die, the story can't go on!" Zelda sniffed.

Shadow huffed more of his Lysol and strode towards Zelda, a smirk plastered on his face.

"Wait a minute...earlier, you couldn't even speak a straight sentence. How come you're all normal -- well, sort of-- all of a sudden?" Zelda asked.

"'Cause I'm all smart and stuff, and I used every hangover cure in the book."

"Oh," replied Zelda, attempting to jump off the building again. The same thing happened.

"AHEM..." fake-coughed Shadow. Zelda turned to glare at him.

Said he, "I already TOLD you, that won't work!"

"I'LL KEEP DOING IT 'TILL IT DOES THEN! WITH DOGS AS MY WITNESS, I _WILL _COMMIT SUICIDE!"

"Um, Zelda, it's 'God', not 'dogs'..."

"Oh."

"Anyway, even if you WERE to kill yourself, the story would still go on."

"What are you saying?"

Shadow strode closer, fists on hips, grinning evilly.

"Because they're just gonna replace you with some cross-dresser or something if you do!" he said, jabbing her in the breast with his finger.

"HEY! Don't touch me!" snapped Zelda.

Shadow waved his finger in a circular motion a few centimeters from Zelda's face.

"But I'm not touching you!" he taunted.

"Stop that!"

He moved it a bit closer.

"Noooootttt touchin' you!" sang Shadow.

"I'M WARNING YOU..."

"IIIIIII'mmmmm...nnnnooooootttt...tttttoooouuuuccchhhiiinnnggg...yyyyooouuuu!"

"SHADOW..."

Shadow poked her.

"I TOLD YOU NOT TO TOUCH ME!" Zelda snapped.

"But I'm not!" insisted Shadow, waving the finger near her face again.

"Well, stop annoying me!"

Shadow poked her again.

"DON'T! I TOLD YOU TO STOP TOUCHING ME!"

"Noooooo...you said to stop ANNOYING you, not to stop TOUCHING you," Shadow said, poking her once more.

"THAT'S IT!" Zelda growled, grabbing him and pulling him into a full-nelson.

"OW, THAT HURTS!" whined Shadow, dropping the can of Lysol.

"Now...SAY 'UNCLE'!"

"W-WHAT?"

Zelda gripped him harder.

"SAY...'UNCLE'!"

"OWWWW...UNCLE!"

"Now, say it again!" The grip became harder. "Scream it!"

"UNCLE! UNCLE, UNCLE, UNCLE, _UNCLE_!" Zelda released him.

Rubbing the back of his neck tenderly, Shadow gaped at Zelda. Then he scrambled away.

"Dumbass. Now...let's try this again," muttered Zelda, attempting to fling herself off the top of the castle yet again.

* * *

Red bounced up and down happily.

"VIO, YOU'RE ALIVE, AS IN NOT DEAD, NOT BURIED, YOU'RE REALLY ALIVE, LIKE--" Blue slapped Red to prevent any further spazzing.

"Vio, why are you naked?" Blue asked.

"Uuuummmm..." Vio quickly changed the subject by saying, "Well, uh, Green's here too...so let's go in."

Red and Blue exchanged glances before following Vio inside the temple.

"Wow, this was like, way easier than I thought it would...be?" Blue started, but stopped when Vio lead them to a coffin decorated with a Four Sword.

"Vio, what..." Red uttered.

Vio took a deep breath and hung his head.

"The thing is...Green's dead. I lied. He's really, truly dead..."

"WHAT!" cried Blue, flipping off the lid of the coffin. It was empty.

"Vio, this coffin's empty!" he said.

"Green spontaneously combusted... There is no trace of him left..." replied Vio solemnly.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Red screamed, and he started to cry hysterically.

"It's really too bad..." said Vio quietly. "We might as well quit now. There needs to be four of us, you know..."

"We went all this way for nothing? DAMMIT!" yelled Blue.

Out of anger, he picked up Green's supposed Four Sword, and slammed it down. It broke.

"Wait a minute...THIS FOUR SWORD IS FAKE! IT'S MADE OF COTTAGE CHEESE!" he exclaimed. "Vio, what shit are you trying to pull? Vio...?"

Looking around, Red and Blue saw Vio had mysteriously disappeared.

"Vio...?" Red called timidly with his tear-choked voice.

A voice called out, "Like, you sooo totally fell into the trap, sweeties!"

Many worm-like monsters sprang from the ground.

"r0r we r monsters!111!" they announced, attacking Blue and Red, who ran for it.

Red suddenly fell to the ground. Blue kicked him, saying, "Get up, you fucking dumbass!"

Tears were streaming down Red's face.

"Blue...Green's...gone...I...I loved him..."

"Ew, Red, you're gay?"

"Well, yeah."

"But you had a crush on Elne!"

"Yeah, but I was thinking with the little part of me that wasn't gay... But...I loved Green...he was my everything...my world..."

Blue rolled his eyes.

"Stop talking like a queer, Red."

"But I am a queer!"

Blue slapped Red.

"OW! Why'd you do that?" Red whimpered.

"'CAUSE YOU'RE TALKIN' LIKE A GAWD DAMN QUEER!"

"DON'T BE A FUCKING HOMOPHOBE, YOU FUCKING...HOMOPHOBE...NOT-GAY-PERSON...I think..."

Suddenly, the Big Poe appeared before them.

Glaring at Blue, he said, "Like, sweetie, that is soooo not fabulous to be dissin' da queers!"

Red and Blue stared wide-eyed at Big Poe. Then they yelled, "QUEER GHOST!" and ran away.

"Like, those sweeties are sooo not smart!" said Big Poe to himself.

Blue and Red kept running until they hit a wall.

"Yo, ya mother-fuckas..." said a voice from behind them. Recovering, Red turned to see the fairy!

"Miss Fairy! Where have you been?" he said excitedly.

The fairy, smoking joint, said, "I've been partying and stuff. You, you want some o' this here joint? As long as the cops don't find out I gave the stuff to a kid, it's cool, man. I mean, you knoooooow ya want some!"

"No thank you, Miss Fairy," Red replied. "We have big problems right now. There's like, a big ghost that's stalking us..."

"Whaddya want me ta do about it?" asked the fairy, smoking some more of the joint.

"Umm...kill it?" Red asked meekly.

The fairy snorted.

"I'm weak against darkness, ya mother-fucker."

"Oh..." said Red sadly.

Big Poe appeared before them once more.

"Like, super sorry, sweeties, but I'm gonna have to sooo totally kill you 'cause the fabulous Gufuu said so! I'm gonna soooo eat your souls!"

"NO, PLEASE! HAVE MERCY!" screamed Blue.

The fairy looked at Blue.

"Like, chill OUT little man! Here...have some joint," she said, offering the blue hero some of the drug.

"Ooooohhh, is that joint?" asked Big Poe eagerly.

"Why, yes...yes, it is," replied the fairy.

"Can I have some, sweetie? Joint is simply FAB!"

"Whatever." The fairy tossed the apparition some of the drug. But when Big Poe smoked it, he suddenly exploded.

"Woah! You defeated the ghost with the powers of joint!" Blue noted, blinking in surprise.

Red sighed and shook his head.

"I guess it's true what they say...you do drugs, you lose."

Suddenly, Blue's Four Sword (Bear in mind, Red's is in the possesion of the evil people) started to glow.

"Woah, dude!" Blue gasped.

* * *

Somewhere near the base of Death Mountain, Green's Four Sword began resonating.

"The Four Sword is...glowing?" The emerald hero blinked in surprise.

"Perhaps it's a sign that...everyone else is ok?"

Green continued up Death Mountain.

"Well, I have to find them! Maybe they're here...after all, this was our original destination..."

* * *

Vio peeked his head out from under the covers of the bed he was in. Looking at the bedside table, he saw that his Four Sword was resonating, and picked it up.

Shadow came out from under the covers next to Vio. Boths boys were naked.

"HEY! YO! Vio, put down that gawd damn sword! You are evil now! Leave it be!"

Grumbling Vio dropped it. Shadow grabbed the purple Link by the hair and forced him beneath the covers once more.

"Now...I'm not finished fucking you yet! Get back to sucking!"


	7. Pornography Princes

_**I must thank Mariam Dirbashi. Without her, I could not have written this chapter. Thanks, Mariam, for the scans and summary! I dedicate this chapter to you as thanks!**_

* * *

****

_**Chapter 7: Pornography Princes**_

Green struggled through his climb of Death Mountain. Pulling himself up higher, he muttered, "Mother...fucker!"

He found himself on a ledge, and heard a voice cry out, "Help me! Help meeee!"

"What the...?" Green muttered, and turned to see a huge boulder next to him, an almost unhumanly small arm sticking out from under it.

"Oh, goddesses!" he squealed. "A squashed midget! Should I save it?"

"Help me!" cried the squashed midget.

Link took a moment to think.

"Hmm...I don't particularly fancy midgets...in fact, they frighten me so...but my concious says that saving the midget is the right thing to do..."

"Heeeeelp meeee!" cried the boulder's victim.

Muttered Link, "Though on the other hand, I don't really listen to my concious anyway..."

"HELP ME, GOD DAMMIT!"

"Well, ok. Maybe this midget can show me the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow."

With a deep breath, Green began to push the enormous boulder off of the midget. It was excruciatingly difficult and painful, but he managed the task. Exhausted and out of breath, Green kneeled on the ground, sweating and gasping for air when he was done.

There, where the boulder had stood, sat a plump little midget in a green body suit.

Green looked up.

"Who...are you...?" he panted.

"Why, I am Tingle! Have you not heard of me?" chirped the midget.

"Ummm...NO..."

"Anyway, thank you for saving me, young child! I am most greatful, and shall make it up to you!" exclaimed Tingle.

"How?" Green asked. "Will you show me the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?"

"No, but I can make sweet love to you!"

Green tried to imagine what being fucked by a midget would be like. Deciding that it wouldn't be too pleasant, and that he didn't quite care for midgets, he said, "No thanks, I'll, uh...PASS, thank you very much..."

"Are you sure? It would be fuuuuUUUn..."

"Umm...no. No, it wouldn't, actually. But do you know what WOULD be fun, um...Tingle?"

"What?" Tingle asked excitedly.

"Showing me the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow!" Green said in an overly-enthusiastic tone.

"But...I know not of any pots of gold..."

Green stood up and continued hiking to the top of the mountain.

"Well, I don't want to have you make sweet love to me, and I want a pot of gold, so in other words, I think it best that we not see eachother again," he said.

Tingle trotted along at his heels.

"Guess what?" he asked.

"What..." Green grumbled, growing immediately irritated.

"I want to be a fairy!"

"And I want to be the owner of Playboy, but we can't all get what we want, now can we?"

"Sir, are you trying to crush my hopes and dreams?" Tingle asked, offended.

Green considered this for a moment.

"...Yep," he finally answered.

"Oh...well, want me to make sweet love to you now?"

"What? I already told you, I DON'T want you to make sweet love to me, ok?"

"Are you sure?"

"YES."

"I think you would like a fucking in the ass from Tingle, sir."

"NO, I WOULDN'T, NOW DON'T YOU HAVE OTHER THINGS TO DO BESIDES...WHAT YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW?"

"No, I have nothing better to do than make sweet love to you, sir! Now let's get naked!" Tingle said happily.

"NO, NOW BUZZ OFF!" Green yelled, trying to kick Tingle.

"No, sir, make sweet love to me!"

"NO, STOP IT!"

"Come on, let's make sweet love down by the fire!"

"NO, DAMMIT -- Tingle?"

Tingle's eyes had grown wide. He gaped at something behind Green fearfully.

"What is it?" Green demanded.

Tingle let out a scream as a giant cyclops suddenly grabbed Green and lifted him into the air.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Green screamed. "TINGLE, SAVE ME!"

"Not a chance, 'Mr. I-Won't-Make-Sweet-Love-to-Tingle!" cried Tingle, inflating a balloon and flying away.

"YOU BASTARD! YOU -- WOOOOOOOAAAAH, AAAAAAAHHHH!" The cyclops started spinning Green around in the air. After a few moments of this, it flung him. Green landed hard on the ground not too far away.

Drawing his sword, he said, "I will vanquish you, monster...!" But when he stood up, Green found himself too dizzy and toppled over.

"Oh no, I am going to die!" he cried, and shut his eyes to await the approaching cyclops' deadly blow.

But...it never came...

A black hole-ish thing had appeared in the sky, and out from it jumped Red, Blue, and the fairy.

Red attacked the giant cyclops with his Fire Rod, and Blue assaulted it with his Four Sword. It was defeated within moments.

Green gaped.

"Red! Blue!"

"Oh, Green, I missed you!" cried Red, flinging his arms around Green and hugging him tightly.

Moments went by...more moments...and more moments still...

"Ok, Red, you can let go of Green now..." Blue said.

Blushing madly, Red released Green and mumbled, "Oh...right...yes, yes, of course..."

Suddenly, everyone heard a noise and turned around. The sight before them rooted the heroes to the spot with fear: a horde of the giant cyclops were climbing up the mountain side toward them, and proceeded to chase them. The boys ran screaming, Green in the lead.

Suddenly, Red and Blue crashed into their emerald companion, for he had stopped suddenly, as a river of lava had just appeared before them.

"What the fuck, where did that lava come from?" Blue yelped.

"Why does it matter? As long as the sky is purple, everything is cool, right?" said the fairy casually, smoking some weed and staring up at the sky serenely.

"We're trapped!" screamed Red, clinging to Green as he stared fearfully at the advancing cyclops.

"Ah, I see you have met my loyal subjects..." said a voice slyly from across the large river of lava. Green, Red, and Blue looked up and gasped.

Vio sat at the other end of the river on a throne. He was naked, except for a black leather spiked dog collar. He smirked at them evilly.

"What do you think of them?" he asked mockingly.

"Vio, what the...?" Green uttered.

"I am bad now. Piss...ass...BAD. I have decided to join the Dark Ones, and there is nothing you can do about it! MWUAHAHAHAHA!"

"Do all of the Dark Ones dress in only leather spiked dog collars?" asked Red.

Vio ignored the question, and said, "All of you SUCK, you fucking queers... I have come to my senses and realized that this stupid little mission to save Princess Zelda and Hyrule is completely and utterly foolish."

"WHY, YOU...!" Blue growled, picking up a rock and throwing it at Vio. The purple Link held up a hand, and the rock bounced off of it. The place in Vio's palm where it had made impact began to bleed.

A long silence ensued.

Finally, Vio said with a blank face, "...Ow."

Ending his speech with a sly smirk, he said, "And I have one person to thank for showing me the truth..."

"And that would be me," Shadow said, smirking. He had appeared out of nowhere, and was also dressed in nothing but a collar that matched Vio's (and of course, he had the can of Lysol with him).

"Oh, great, not YOU again..." grumbled Green, rolling his eyes.

Shadow huffed some of the Lysol.

"HA! Yes, me!" he said.

Striding over to Vio, Shadow slung an arm around the other boy's shoulders.

He said, "You see, it is true... I have convinced good old Vio here to join _my_ side, the side of darkness, and fight against the likes of you." He grinned evilly.

"Vio is my bitch now..." he said, taking Vio's face in his hands. He pulled Vio into a french kiss, moving his tongue around in the purple Link's mouth.

"OH, MY GODDESSES!" cried Blue, covering his eyes.

Shadow and Vio broke apart and gazed deeply into eachother's eyes.

"Make love to me, Shadow!" cried Vio dramatically.

"Oh, take me now, Vio!" exclaimed Shadow, tossing the can of Lysol aside.

Shadow yanked Vio off the throne. Vio fell back onto the ground, and Shadow leapt on top of him, wildly tongue banging him and rubbing his crotch against Vio's.

"OH, MY GAWD!" screamed Red, becoming erect at the very sight. Green and Blue watched, stunned, as the sexy activity went on for many minutes.

Red let out a sudden little squeak for some reason, and Shadow and Vio slowly pulled apart from eachother.

Green glared at Vio and said, "Vio, you are convicted of asshole-ism! I challenge you to a fight NOW!"

Vio's lids looked heavy with seduction, and smiling, he turned to Shadow, and cooed, "What do you say, love, shall I fight him?"

Shadow returned Vio's look, brushed a strand of hair from his bitch's face, and replied, "Well, ok, dearest...here you go. Have fun now!" Shadow handed Vio his sword and snapped his fingers. A circular arena began to rise from the depths of the lava river before them.

"Oh, Green, why can't we be like that...?" Red asked dreamily.

"Umm...what?" Green asked.

"Umm, nothing! I, uh...just asked if you had found that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow yet! Yeah! That's it!" Red said hurriedly.

Green frowned.

"Wait a minute...no...I...I haven't found that pot of gold yet..." he said sadly, blinking and looking confused as if he had just realized that he lacked a pot of gold.

"Well, good luck to you anyway!" Red replied, shoving Green forward.

With a shrug, Green leapt onto the arena. Vio arrived there a moment later, pointing his Four Sword at Green and grinning.

"Ready to lose?" Green sneered.

"Oh, I don't think _I'll _be doing the losing... I'm gonna make a mess outta you..." Vio growled.

"Oh, may I wipe it up with your face then?" Green asked in a tone of false sweetness.

"Don't go crying to mommy when you _lose_..." hissed Vio.

"Don't go crying to daddy when I kick your ass... Now let's get it on!"

"What?"

"Er...I didn't mean it that way...so let's just fight. Now, take three steps back."

Vio and Green turned on their heels and began to take three steps away from eachother, but before this could be done, Green said, "Oh...and Vio?"

"What?" Vio asked, turning a little to look at Green.

"You look awful fat in those pants."

"...I'm not wearing pants."

"Well, it was worth a shot... I mean, that line was really cool in _Dodgeball..._"

At last, Green and Vio turned to face eachother once more.

Shadow called, "ON MY MARK... GET READY...GET SET...GO!"

With battle cries, Green and Vio brutally attacked eachother. The battle commensed!

"COME ON, GREEN, FIGHT HIM, KILL HIM!" Blue bellowed.

Red stood next to Blue, sobbing.

Turning to face Red, Blue asked, "Red, what's your problem? Suck it up! And -- ew...what's that icky white stain around your crotch?"

"It's nothing!" Red sobbed, placing his hands over his crotch.

The battle went on for quite some time; so long, in fact, that Shadow had reached highness to the point where he was was rolling around on the ground, laughing hysterically and watching something in the sky that his druggie-imagination had invented. He huffed the last bit of Lysol in the can.

"Look at the bears dance!" he slurred.

Vio took a flying leap at Green, and attempted to bring his sword down on his head, but Green blocked and slashed at Vio, who dodged. The two ran at eachother at the same time, clashed, and suddenly, time seemed to slow down. Green's eyes widened, and the emerald hero fell. He lay on the ground, motionless. Vio towered above him, looking triumphant.

"He's dead..." Vio said softly, an evil grin upon his face.

"WHAT?" Blue and Red shouted in unison, leaping onto the arena and running to green.

Shadow staggered forward, waving the empty Lysol around.

"Da's good work...love..." he slurred, throwing an arm over Vio's shoulder and leaning heavily on him in a drunken fashion.

"Le's go celebrate...'is...death..."

"Very well, darling..." cooed Vio, nuzzling Shadow. The two started off, but not before Vio turned his head and gave Red and Blue a look that said, _All is not what it seems, so hang on... _Blue and Red had seen it, but hadn't given it much thought. They were too busy crying out Green's name and checking him over.

A teary Red sobbed, "M-Miss Fary...c-can you revive him?"

With an annoyed groan and another breath of marijuana, the fairy flew over to Green.

"Dumbasses! He's unconcious, not dead!"

"Really?" asked Blue.

"DUUUH, what did I just SAY?" snapped Miss Fairy.

Green moaned and sat up, a hand to his stomach.

"OH, GREEN, YOU REALLY A_RE _ALIVE!" cried Red happily, hugging Green.

"Grr...Vio...that asshole..." grumbled Blue.

"Wait a moment, Blue... I don't think Vio's gone bad at all. I think he's acting, and he's really up to something... See, on his last move, he pushed the hilt of his sword into my stomach, not the blade... He wasn't really trying to kill me... But I think he's in danger," said Green.

"Why should we care? He's wearing a DOG COLLAR! He's Shadow's bitch, and seems to be really enjoying it!" huffed Blue.

"Don't jump to conclusions..." Green said darkly, staring in the direction Vio and Shadow had went in.


	8. A Boozefest with a Side of Death

_**THIS IS NOT THE FINAL CHAPTER OF THE STORY, THERE ARE A FEW MORE TO GO!**_

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_**Chapter 8: A Boozefest with a Side of DEATH**_

"Ok, peeps, I would like to hold a toast to the death of Green! Now, as this is hard-core liquor, drink responsibly to avoid car accidents, so in other words, DRINK ALL THE FUCK YOU WANT, MAN!" toasted Shadow, clinking glasses with Vio.

All of the Cyclops attending the death party cheered, applauded, and started boozing heavily.

* * *

"That's where Vio and Shadow are..." said Green, climbing over some rocks, and pointing out a large, stone tower. Red, Blue, and the fairy (who was smoking pot) followed.

Turning to the fairy, Green said, "Fairy bitch, spy on them and report back to us. We need to know if anything suspicious is going on! Oh yeah, and if they have any pills up there, bring those back with you, we could really use a fix right about now..."

"Whateva..." snorted the fairly, flying drunkly to the tower.

* * *

Some time later, everyone at Shadow's party was completely and utterly wasted. After finishing dancing on the table together, Vio and Shadow stumbled out onto the balcony of the tower.

"Hic...ok, ok, so this is like our country, right...hic?" Vio slurred, gesturing wildly at the land below the balcony and waving his class of liquor around.

Shadow nearly lost his balance, but steadied himself. Some of his alcohol sloshed out of its glass.

"Yup, it hic...sure is purdy, ain't it?" he said.

"Our land is...hic...soooo sexy!" declared Vio.

"Sooo sexy in--hic--deed! And we shall...hic...rule it together!"

"Does tha' mean you're gonna, like...hic...betray Gufuu?"

"Yeah, sexy thang! Hic...I'm da one who unsealed 'im, I could jus' seal 'im up again, righ'?" Shadow said drunkly.

"Is there, um...hic...like...um...hic...a higher person in power than...Gufuu?" Vio asked with some difficulty, struggling to think.

"Oh, ya, there's...hic...Lord Ganon... 'Ee's the one who lemme come through to this world...hic...usin' tha' Dark Mirror..."

"Wha's a 'Dark Mirror'...?"

"I'll show ya!"

And with that, Vio and Shadow journeyed down the tower to see the Dark Mirror, stumbling, leaning heavily on eachother, and drinking the entire time.

A group of Cyclops were standing in front of the mirror, staring at their naked selves. Shadow gasped.

"GET AWAY FROM THE GOD DAMN MIRROR...! HIC..." he bellowed, grabbing a bottle of vodka off the nearest table, and breaking the bottom to make a weapon. He ran at the Cyclops, who stumbled away. Vio observed and laughed hysterically.

Once the Cyclops were gone, Shadow looked at Vio and leaned heavily against the mirror for support.

"This is da Dark Mirror...hic..." he declared. "Without it, me an m'...hic...homies'd die... It is the source o' life for me an'...hic...m' kind..."

"You mean...hic..." Vio giggled, and continued, "Like God?"

"Ya, like that guy!" Vio and Shadow both started laughing hysterically.

"Ya know, Vio...I...I think I'm in love with you...hic..." said Shadow.

"Like, woah...really...?" Vio asked, slurring more than ever. He belched.

"Ya, totally, hic...dude..."

"Aw, cool, I love ya too, man..."

"Hey...Vio...?"

"Ya...?"

"...I've always wanted ta be a woman..." Shadow said.

"That is cool...hic..." replied Vio.

"Well, wanna go, like...hic...ride in my porche and set some stuff on fire...?"

"That sounds cool..."

* * *

Vio and Shadow ripped through a forest in Shadow's red porche, with Shadow driving and Vio lighting matches and throwing them out the window, setting the merry little forest on fire.

"WHOOOOO!" Shadow cheered, popping open a bottle of beer and dumping it out the window as he sped along at about 200 MPH.

Suddenly, police sirens were heard.

"AW, FUCK, THE COPS ARE AFTER US...HIC... WHY'D YA HAVE TA GO AN' BREAK DA LAW, SHADOW?" Vio snickered, throwing more matches.

A police car zoomed right for the front of the porche, and Shadow stepped down on the break.

"Oh, we're in for it now, man! Hic!" Shadow said loudly. He and Vio laughed stupidly.

A cop got out of the car and approached them.

"How old are you?" he demanded.

"As old as the skies...!" Shadow exclaimed.

"No! The moon!" said Vio.

"You are obviously under 18, and it is obvious you have been drinking, which is illegal, for you don't even look 14. Another thing is, you're setting the forest on fire! Haven't you ever heard of Smokey the Bear!"

"I fucked him, once..." Shadow said, holding back laughter. Vio chuckled, took another swig of beer, and burped again.

"Stop drinking NOW! Don't you know how bad that is for a growing mind and body?" snapped the policeman, snatching Shadow's bottle of alcohol and pointing at it sharply.

"Nope!" said Vio, leaning over Shadow, striking a match, and setting the police officer on fire. The officer screamed, and started running through the forest. Then he fell, and stopped moving. He didn't start moving again.

"Woah, you killed tha' cop...!" exclaimed Shadow.

"Ya...hic...I did..." replied Vio dully.

Vio and Shadow started fucking eachother.

* * *

The fairy flew awkwardly back to Green, Blue, and Red.

"What did you find out?" Green asked.

"Shadow wants to be a woman," said the fairy.

There was a moment of awkward silence.

"...So do I," Red said finally.

Blue rolled his eyes.

"You're such a fucking queer, Red..."

Green secretly gave Red a small smile before turning back to the fairy.

"Um...'kay, that's nice and all, but did you find out anything useful?"

"Something about a Dark Mirror."

"Well, I have no fucking clue what that means, so on to the important: did you smuggle any drugs?" Blue asked.

"No, sadly," replied the fairy.

"Dammit!" cursed Green.

"Well...let's just spend the night here..." said Red. "Miss Fairy, keep watch over Vio and Shadow tonight."

* * *

Into the wee hours of the morning, at about 3 A.M., Vio pulled himself out of bed. Having sobered up a bit, he remembered that he was secretly still with the good side, and miraculously, he had not forgotten the information Shadow had given him about the Dark Mirror. Trying desperately to ignore the painful throbbing in his head and his severe dehydration (though without much luck), Vio shuffled down to where the mirror was to break it, and finish his damn quest so he could avoid evil parties with licquor from then on. His hangover sucked ass.

At last, he reached the mirror, a hammer in hand, and stared into it. Something was holding him back, nagging in the back of his mind...

He had told Shadow that he loved him, and if he broke the mirror, he would kill him... Vio was beginning to think he really _did _love Shadow!

Vio sighed.

"I should just get this over with, and wait to be ridded of my hangover in peace while stuffing myself with burritos and cola. It's time to get it on, then, I guess..."

"HEY, MR. HERO!" cried a voice, and Vio felt someone slap his butt.

"AAH! WHAT THE?" Turning around, Vio saw that the culprit of the attack was a midgit in a green body suit.

"Dude, don't yell so loud, my head is _aching_..." grumbled Vio.

"Has Mr. Hero been drinking? Tingle thinks he has. Tingle can smell it. Mr. Hero is making Tingle gag with his intoxicated scent," said the midgit.

Vio rolled his eyes, and turned back to the mirror.

"Look, I don't know who the hell you are, but just leave me the fuck alone!"

"You don't remember me? We were supposed to make sweet love!"

"...What?"

"Back when you were in the green clothes, you saved me, and I offered to make sweet love to you, but you said no! Are you ready now?"

Vio figured that it was Green to whom he was referring.

"Well, you're wasting your time, I'm not going to make sweet love to you. Even if I was, my head hurts too much...and...urp...I think I'm gonna puke..." Dropping the hammer, Vio clutched his stomach and puked all over Tingle.

"Mr. Hero, you have puked all over Tingle!" exclaimed Tingle, sounded very offended.

"Oops," snorted Vio sarcastically, and, picking up the hammer, he hit Tingle with it, sending him bouncing off a passed out Cyclops and flying out through the window.

"Gggrrr..." the Cyclops rumbled, waking up, rubbing its head, and glaring at Vio.

"Umm..." Vio uttered, but before he could get anything else out, the Cyclops lunged to attack!

Drawing his Four Sword, Vio stabbed it, and the great creature fell to the floor, which shook dangerously.

"Goddesses, if I love Shadow or not, I'll be doing myself a favor by breaking that fucking mirror..." he grumbled, rubbing his head, which was pounding more than ever, and gazing blearily at the mirror.

Vio heard shuffling and movement coming closer, and hastily picked up the dropped hammer and tossed it out the window.

A moment later, Shadow stumbled in, followed by the other Cyclops. All were visibly (Except for Shadow, he was a little worse than the rest) as hungover as Vio. Actually, Shadow was still drinking.

Looking in the direction of the dead Cyclops, he slurred, "Did why kill you him?"

It took Vio about 5 minutes given his current alcohol impaired mind capacity to decipher this before he replied slowly so that Shadow could understand, "He attacked me..."

Another Cylops lumbered inside, holding the hammer and rubbing a large bump on his head. It had dropped on top of him during its trip out the window. The creature handed it to Shadow, who, after a couple tries, finally managed to grasp it in his hand.

"Tried mirror break someone to the..."

"...Huh? Oh, yeah...I mean, uh...i-it was probably Blue or Red, they must've snuck in, and -- well, whatever, who cares, right?" Vio bustled over to Shadow, put one arm around his waist and used the other to grasp his hand, and attempted to guide him back to bed.

"Listen, Shadow, you shouldn't be up, you had better go sleep this off..."

"NONSENSE!" Shadow bellowed, wrenching away from Vio. He took another swig of beer, and stumbled to the mirror.

"Dark the Mirror tell shall happened what us today..."

Vio gulped. Shadow ran a hand delicately down the mirror, and images began to appear... It revealed Red, Green, and Blue sleeping near the rocks on the outskirts of the tower they were currently in.

"Killed Green you! Is still why alive he?"

"Well, I, uh...thought I did..."

Then, Vio watched in horror as an image of himself appeared, wielding the hammer. Before his eyes, the scene in which he prepared to smash the mirror was replayed.

Turning abrubtly, fire in his bloodshot eyes, Shadow yelled, "TRAITOR THIS EXECUTION I SENTENCE TO!"

Vio was quickly seized by the Cyclops and carried away...

* * *

The fairy once again returned to the three other heroes some time later.

"WAKE UP!" she screeched.

"AAAH!" Blue, Green, and Red screamed. They jumped to their feet.

"Dammit, woman, what is it?" Blue snapped.

"Vio's getting executed!"

"WHAT? LIKE, OOOOOOHHHHH...MY...GOSH! WE, LIKE...GOTTA TOTALLY SAVE HIM!" squealed Red. Blue slapped him.

"Blue, why'd you slap me?" Red whimpered.

"'CAUSE YOU'RE ACTIN' LIKE A GOD DAMN QUEER AGAIN, YA GOD DAMN QUEER! NOW, LET'S KICK EACHOTHER IN THE NUTS 'TILL ONE OF US FALLS!"

"OOOWWW!" Red screamed as a painful blow was dealt to his nuts.

"Guys, stop it! We gotta go save Vio!" Green said.

"Why?" Blue and Red asked in unison.

"Well, this story would basically end without Vio..."

"No, it wouldn't, it would be better! I mean, we could do soooo many things that we can't do with Vio! Like play Harry Potter!" Blue said.

"But it's not cool..." Green replied quietly.

"Vio alienated you to make you think it was uncool!" declared Blue.

"...He's got a point, Green..." stated Red with a nod.

"Look, you assholes, let's just save Vio so we can get on to the next part of the story, and then the sequel!" Green snapped.

"Dude, we're doing a sequel for this?" the fairy asked.

"Yep," answered Green.

"Aw, fuck..." Blue mumbled.

"Come on, Blue...Red...Fairy...let's just go save Vio... Fairy, lead the way!"

* * *

Vio was tied to a large wooden pole that was attached to a boulder before a river of lava; his and Red's Four Swords were crossed above his head.

Shadow stood on the back of a dragon, swaying dangerously.

"Sooo, Shadow Link...you were watching us with that mirror of your's, were you?" Vio asked in a dramatic, business-like tone.

"Yeah, unfortunately and I stuff some saw I didn't want really see to. On shame Vio, you! Sooooo are evil you, than me even worse! Kill to am going have to you I."

Turning to a Cyclops standing beside the boulder and pole, Shadow Link barked, "IT NOW DO!" The Cyclops began to push the boulder into the river of lava.

Suddenly, Blue, Red, Green, and Fairy bounded out from nowhere and leapt onto the boulder to which Vio's pole was attached.

"We have come to rescue Vio!" declared Green.

"BITCH SON OF A!" cried Shadow.

"DUMBASSES, WE'RE ABOUT TO FALL INTO A RIVER OF LAVA!" Vio screamed. This was all too true, the others realized, for in a moment's time, they found temselves plummetting. Then Red whipped out his Fire Rod, and it turned the lava to ice for...some reason (don't ask me, it's in the manga...)...

Red and Green leapt off the boulder and onto the ice, and Blue cut the ropes binding Vio. The four heroes retreated to land, and all the Cyclops started, like...attacking them and stuff. Seeing that the river was not frozen all the way, Blue used is hammer and broke the ice, causing all the Cyclops to fall into the lava.

"NOOOOOO!" Shadow screamed.

In mere seconds, the only people alive were Shadow, Green, Blue, Red, and Vio...

"Hurt bad me you, Vio... HURT BAD ME..." Shadow growled, twitching angrily.

"You're a cheap bastard! Because of you and your stupid parties, I got a fucking hangover!" Vio said.

"BETRAYED YOU ME!" Shadow screamed.

"YEAH, WELL...YOU WANNA BE A WOMAN!" Vio cried.

Blue, Green, Red, and Fairy gasped. Shadow's eyes welled up with tears.

"MEANIE..." he whimpered. His expression turning dark, he said shrilly and loudly, "SHALL KILL I ALL YOU!" Shadow Link began to attack the four-who-were-one, but they pointed their Four Swords at him.

"FOUR SWORD, GIVE US LIIIIIIIIGHT!" Green exclaimed, and the Four Swords began to shoot bullets of light out of them like guns, causing Shadow to explode. The fairy then teleported them away from the scene of such death and destruction...

"Woah, dude...we killed Shadow! Does that mean we win?" Blue asked.

"No, we have to destroy the Dark Mirror... Our quest isn't over yet," said Vio.

"What's a 'Dark Mirror'?" Red questioned.

"It's this evil mirror that gives the bad people their power or something."

"Well, since we have Vio back, let's break out the booze and have a kick ass party! I mean, we gotta have some fun before continuing our journey!" cheered Green.

"Yeah!" Blue, Red, and Fairy shouted.

Vio, however, was not so cheerful...

_Shadow... _he thought, _I...I miss you... I love you..._


	9. Mischief Night

_**HAPPY HALLOWEEN, EVERYONE! Enjoy this bonus chapter -- it's nothing special. I had to do it, though; I just couldn't resist! **_

**_Stay safe this Halloween if you're going out. :)_**

* * *

****

_**BONUS CHAPTER: Mischief Night**_

Blue tapped his foot impatiently as he stood at the nearest lamp post, holding his pillow case. He was dressed as a...gerbil.

After what seemed like hours (which in reality, was mere seconds) to the blue Link, another boy finally approached, garbed in a pink popstar outfit, blonde pig-tail wig, and microphone headset. Of course, his shirt was stuffed, too...

"Hey, blue!" said the boy, waving his floral pillow case.

"...God dammit, Red! What the hell have you done to yourself? You look like a fucking girl!" snapped the blue gerbil Link.

Red frowned.

"Yeah, well, you look like a gerbil, Blue!"

"GOD DAMN YOU, WE ARE GONNA KICK EACHOTHER IN THE NUTS 'TILL ONE OF US FALLS!" Blue raised a foot menacingly.

"Ah! Blue, no, please! Not now! We have more important things to do, like trick-or-treating!"

"Dude, don't call it 'trick-or-treating'. That's what the babies call it. Refer to it as 'confection collection'."

"What-EVA! Look, have you seen Green, Vio, Zelda, and the fairy?" Red asked.

"Why the hell is Fairy coming?" Blue groaned.

"Because I invited her, now shush, silly!" Red giggled. Blue slapped him.

Green popped up behind them.

"Hey, guys..." he said weakly. Blue and Red turned to look.

"What the hell, Green? What's with THAT costume?" Blue snorted. Green looked pregnant.

"What's it look like, dumbass? I'm being pregnant for Halloween! Thought right now, I kind of wish I had gone for the pilgrim outfit..." He pointed to his stomach and said, "This thing weighs, like, 30 pounds or somethin'..."

"You didn't have to go out and buy one of those pregnancy pads, Green. You could've just stuffed your shirt or something," said Red.

"Dude, you guys are soooo dressed like queers! Red, you're a popstar, and Green, you're pregnant! Can't you be a little more manly?" Blue said angrily.

"You're a gerbil, that's not manly!" replied Green, rubbing his back tenderly. "Ow...my feet..."

"Hopefully Vio'll be something slightly more masculine..." Blue mumbled to himself.

"Hey, guys." Red, Blue, and Green turned to see Vio dressed as Raggedy-Ann.

"God...dammit..." Blue hissed through clenched teeth.

Glaring at the others, he said, "You guys are gay! Super gay! I am NOT gonna be seen walking around with Britney Spears, Captain Prego, and Raggedy Ann!"

"Yo," said a new voice. There stood Shadow Link, wearing absolutely nothing at all.

"What are YOU supposed to be?" Green asked.

"HEY! You are NOT coming, you asshole! No one invited you!" Blue growled.

"I thought you were dead," stated Red.

"Shadow! Is that you? You're...alive!" Vio gasped.

"Yeah, I'm alive!" Shadow said happily before he and Vio started making out wildly.

"Get a room!" Green said.

"Why the fuck are you naked?" Blue demanded.

Shadow pulled away from Vio and said, "I'm a college student. A streaker."

"That's a lame costume! All you have to do is take your clothes off! You're gonna freeze; this is fall, you know," Green told his dark self.

"Well, I'm not being a fat person for Halloween like YOU are..." Shadow sniffed hottily.

"I'm not fat, I'm pregnant!" Green sobbed, taking out a tub of ice cream and digging into it.

"You DO realize that you are not actually pregnant...right?" Red asked.

"Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Red?" Green replied.

"Whatever... Where's Zelda and the fairy?" Blue asked. As if on cue, Zelda and the fairy appeared, Zelda dressed as a Playboy Bunny, and the fairy merely wearing an eyepatch.

"I'm a pirate, homies," said the fairy.

"Well, can we go?" Zelda asked.

"...Yeah, yes, of course," Green answered quickly, prying his eyes away from Zelda's tits.

"Hold up a second! We are NOT going if HE'S coming with us!" declared Blue, waving an accusing finger at Shadow.

"Blue!" Vio whined, hugging Shadow defensively.

"He's not coming!" Blue replied stubbornly.

"If he's not going, then I'm not going!" Vio announced.

"FINE! GO! You're under the false illusion that people like you, Vio! But no one actually does! So just go make out and stick your fingers up eachother's asses somewhere else!" Blue snorted, sticking his nose up into the air.

"Fine! We will!" yelled Shadow, taking Vio by the hand and dragging him away.

"Queers..." Green muttered under his breath, rubbing his stomach.

Zelda frowned. "Blue, that was mean!" she said.

Red sighed dreamily.

"Shadow and Vio are sooo cute together... I wish Green and I could be like that..." he said softly.

"What?" said the fairy.

"Nothing!" Red squeaked, starting to walk up to the nearest house.

Red could have sworn he saw Green wink at him...

* * *

"All of you get Snickers bars if you make sweet love to me! All at the same time!" Tingle cried, dancing around in the doorway of the house the gang was currently visitng.

"Stop it, dammit," said the fairy.

"Come on, make sweet love to me for Snickers!"

"Dude, we are NOT going to make sweet love to you, so just give us the Snickers you promised..." Green growled.

"Ah, I see Mr. Hero is cranky because his property has already been claimed, and his fields have been well planted, I see!" Tingle sang, patting Green's stomach.

"Ok, like...don't touch me," said the green Link darkly.

"Let's make sweet love!" Tingle danced around some more.

"Mother fucker!" Blue cursed, whipping out a gun and shooting Tingle seven hundred times. Then he, Zelda, Green, Red, and the fairy snatched the Snickers and ran.

* * *

Shadow and Vio giggled stupidly as they huffed Lysol and tossed eggs at the retirement home.

One of the nurses leaned out of a window, and waving her fist, cried desperately, "Stop, children! Don't you know how you are affecting the lives of the elderly!" She would have said more, had Shadow not thrown a grenade into the home...

"Hahaha...you rock, Shadow. I love you, and I'm sorry for betraying you..." said Vio.

"It's ok. I'm sorry for trying to kill you. I love you so much, Vio..." Shadow replied softly, his eyelids heavy. He placed his hands on Vio's hips and kissed him passionately.

After they broke apart, Vio asked, "Well...what should we do now?"

"Why, beat up the smaller children and eat candy and drink huggies until none of our clothes fit anymore, of course!"

"Ah, good idea. Why didn't I think of that?"

"Whatever, let's go!" Shadow said, grinning and taking Vio's hand and guiding him along.

A little girl dressed up like a bumble bee hopped up in front of them.

"Tee hee! Look at me! I'm a BUMBLEBEE!" she squealed happily. Shadow punched her in the face, and Vio knocked her unconcious with a large rock. They proceeded to snatch her candy-filled pumpkin box, and wolfed down her candy.

The duo made to find their next victim...

* * *

"Well, we finally got all the candy we need..." said Red, adjusting his fake tits.

"What do we do with it?" Zelda asked.

"Eat it, bitch," snapped the fairy, hitting Zelda with her trick-or-treat bag.

"Hey! Stop it, you bitch!" Zelda growled, rounding on the fairy.

"HEY! No one is eating their candy! NO ONE eats their candy any more!" Blue announced.

"They don't?" Green questioned in a muffled tone through his mouthful of sweets.

"No! Now stop binging, you're not pregnant, mother fucker!" Blue spat, slapping Green.

Green swallowed and, his eyes watering, whined, "How dare you do that to me while I'm in such a delicate condition!"

Hearing moaning, the group spun around to see Shadow and Vio stumbling towards them, looking quite ill.

"That's what you get for being queer!" Blue told the pair, kicking dirt at them.

"I'M WARNING YOU, BLUE LINK I AM _NOT _IN THE MOOD..." Shadow bellowed, clutching his stomach.

"What happened to you guys?" Red asked, twirling a strand of his blonde pig-tails.

"We beat the shit out of about 15 kids and ate all of their candy..." Vio choked out.

The fairy rolled her eyes.

"You dudes better hit da bathrooms. When you eat that much, you should always throw it up afterward," she said.

"Isn't that bulimia?" Red asked.

"Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, foo'?" the fairy chirped, turning on Red and pulling out a pistol.

Said Zelda with a sigh, "Lesson learned: when trick-or-treating, avoid midgets with Snickers. Don't eat your candy, and if you do, always throw it up afterward. Always wear clothing -- nudity is not a costume. Happy Halloween!"

Everyone started laughing.

Suddenly, Green said, "Oh, uh...guys? I think my water just broke..."


	10. Daddy Wants You DEAD, BITCH!

_**Sorry it's short, but hey -- the manga chapter was short. I want to thank Mariam Dirbashi of Zelda Legends for providing the manga scans and the chapter summaries that were nessecary for writing this chapter, and many others. You rock, Mariam!**_

* * *

_**Chapter 9 -- Daddy Wants you DEAD, BITCH!**_

As Shadow Link died and disintegrated, Link's father was freed from the Dark World. The man who spawned Link was mysteriously transported to inside the Palace of Winds.

"Woah. Where am I? And am I...alone?" Link's father looked around.

"Yep. Sure looks like I'm pretty alone at the moment. Sweet. Now I can do THIS..." The general pulled down his pants and prepared to grab his dick when he realized with horror that he was not alone.

"Oh! General! You have been rescued!" exclaimed Princess Zelda, running toward him. She had a weird look in her eye...

"Umm...sir? Why are your pants down?"

"THEY'RE NOT!" Link's dad snapped, pulling them back up.

"Gawd, Zelda! Whatchoo think you're doing, sneaking up on people like that?"

"Well, I apologize deeply, good sir... But do you know what would be really fun?" Zelda asked mischeviously.

The general could think of a number of fun things to do with Zelda, though he was not sure if he should say them aloud, as she was a young princess. He didn't want to be caught doing "fun things" with Zelda. He wasn't ready to go back to jail.

"I know what you're thinking. And this is a different kind of fun," said Zelda.

"Woah...you can read minds?"

"...Maybe..."

"Oh...well...what is this 'fun', Princess Zelda?"

"That 'fun' would be wearing this non-evil helmet. It feels good on your head. And you know what? I'm not really Gufuu disguised as Zelda, and this helmet really won't possess you and make you do bad things. That is why it is so much fun to wear..." Zelda told the general, smiling evilly as she pulled out a metal helmet.

"Um, that sounded a little suspicious... Thanks, uh, ZELDA...but I really don't want to wear that helmet. It totally clashes with my armor," replied Link's dad.

"Awww, come on... It's so much FUN! And it's biodegradable!"

"Since when do I give a damn about the enviorment?"

"DAMMIT! PUT ON THE HELMET!" Zelda said demonically.

"Gaaaah! You're not Princess Zelda!" squealed the general. But it was too late -- Zelda put the helmet on Link's dad's head.

"Mwuahahahaha! I AM Gufuu in disguise! Now, general...I want you to kill your son when he arrives," said Zelda, who was really Gufuu in disguise.

"Yeeeessss... I shall kill my braaaaat..." replied the general, who was possessed by the actually-evil-fun-helmet.

* * *

The four Links walked through Hyrule Field, the fairy fluttering behind them. They were heading for the Four Sword Sanctuary so they could be transported to the Palace of Winds, as this chapter skips to when they are all done saving maidens (hey, the manga did it -- so can I).

"Well, we certainly aren't the same as we were at the beginning. We can cooperate now!" Red said happily.

"Yeah, especially since we bought that electrical tape to put over Blue's mouth," said Green.

"Mmmph mmm hmmm mm mmm!" Blue mumbled angrily through the electric tape covering his mouth. His hands were bound behind his back with rope.

"Yeah, things have been really quiet lately because of that..." said Red, his eyes slowly raising to meet Green's. He blushed, and so did Green.

"Uummm...Red? Can I, uh...talk to you alone?" Green asked.

"Sure," said Red, but before they could go off alone, the now-completely-and-utterly-miserable-from-lack-of-Shadow Vio cut in.

Opening up his third can of beer, fifth tub of ice cream and chowing down, the purple Link wailed, "GO ON... GO OFF AND LEAVE ME HERE TO DIE ALONE WHILE YOU TWO GO AND ADMIT YOUR LOVE TO EACHOTHER!"

"Vio, you're not going to die! What the hell is wrong with you?" Green snapped.

Vio pointed his spoon at him threateningly.

"DON'T CONTRADICT ME, GREEN!"

"Vio, what's wrong? You've been like this ever since Shadow died. Is there something you want to talk about?" Red offered kindly.

"NO..." Vio replied through a mouthful of ice cream as he started crying.

"Nah, he's fine..." said the fairy. Green and Red shrugged and walked off to be alone.

* * *

Green took a deep breath.

"Listen, Red...I...I've been having, some, uh...feelings..."

Red nodded nervously.

"Me too...and they've all been toward -- "

"You," Green finished.

"Green...I...I think I'm in love with you," Red said.

"I love you too, Red," replied Green, smiling with relief. So then they started making out. Then they started fucking, and it would've gone on for hours, had Vio not found them.

Vio screamed angrily and started throwing rocks and other potentially dangerous objects at them until they broke apart. Ans thus, they all continued on their way.

* * *

At last, they reached the sanctuary. The rescued maidens appeared.

"Links, you have rescued us in various scenes that the manga did not show. Now we shall send you to the Palace of Winds," they said. The four Links began to float into the sky.

"Mmmph mmm hmmm mm!" Blue exclaimed.

* * *

When they reached the palace, the boys made their way to the main entry door, and tried to open it, only to find that they couldn't...

"Yo! You guys didn't collect all them jewel keys! You only got the one from Valenzuela!" said the fairy.

"Well, as long as we have eachother..." Red said happily, nuzzling Green. But Green's eyes were averted elsewhere.

"What is it, Green?" Red asked. He turned to look where Green was, and the two watched as the figure of an armored man approached. Vio, Blue, and the fairy started to observe, too.

"Who is that...?" Vio whispered after taking another swig of beer.

Finally, the figure was close enough so that they could see his face.

"I-It's dad!" Green exclaimed. He ran up to him.

"Dad!"

But the general attempted to stab his son.

"Dad...?"


	11. The NotSoFun Helmet

_**Sorry this chapter is short, but hey -- the manga chapter was short. I hope you like it, though. :)**_

**_Thanks again, Mariam!_**

**_REVIEW, PEEPS!_**

* * *

_**Chapter 10 -- The Not-So-Fun Helmet**_

Green drew his sword.

"Dad! Why the hell are you trying to kill me! I'm like...your son!" Green cried as the general attacked.

"OH MY GOSH! GREEN! DON'T DIIIIIIIEEEE!" wailed Red.

"Shut up, bitch..." Vio grumbled from the ground. He lay on his back, staring up at the clouds, yet another can of beer and another tub of ice cream in hand. He took a sip of the beer.

"People...hic...they just grow up and then...hic...POOF! They die. Green's gonna die. You're gonna die. Blue's gonna die. I'm gonna die. We're all gonna DIE. Dad's gonna die. Zelda's gonna die --"

As if on cue, the Links heard a familiar voice.

"Ooooohhh! Link, Link, Link, and Link! He is not your real father!" cried not-Gufuu-in-disguise-Princess-Zelda-seriously-not-Gufuu-I'm-not-lying-really-it's-Zelda Zelda, rushing in dramatically and falling to her knees weakly.

"Princess Zelda!" exclaimed Blue, rushing over to her. Green gave her a glance of surprise, but was forced to turn his attention back to his possessed father, whom he continued to try to battle off.

Even more dramatically, Zelda grabbed Blue by the collar and pulled him forward.

"THAT IS NOT YOUR FATHER, YOU SON OF A BITCH! YOU MUST KILL THE FAKE! KILL IT! KILL IT!" screeched Zelda.

"Ok, ok, fine! We'll kill it!" said Blue. "Wait a minute...you aren't Gufuu in disguise, are you?"

"Zelda" froze.

"Ummmm...no...w-why would you, uh...say something like that?"

Blue laughed.

"I was just joking." Then he went to go kill his father.

* * *

Green, Blue, and Red continued to fight their father. 

"And the sky's only blue 'cause we think it is...it's only our imagination... The sky should be GRAY. I feel GRAY. Blue is a stupid color. It's..hic...happy. And it reminds me of Blue...hic. And he's a mother fucker. And then the sun's always yellow...yellow is so fucking ugly...hic. It clashes with lots of things. It's too bright. Hic." Vio sighed, and finished, "The sun should be black..."

"VIO, SHUT UP AND HELP US! I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL WENT ON WITH YOU AND SHADOW, BUT YOU NEED TO GET OVER HIS DEATH!" Green screamed.

"I...HIC...CAN'T!" Vio wailed, eating more ice cream.

"Yes you can, Vio!" Red called.

Then the fairy appeared out of nowhere.

"Yo, motha-fuckazzzz..." she said, smoking pot. Then she pulled out some pain killers.

"Yo, you shits, who wantsa pain killer? It's Oxycontin..."

"Oxycontin!" said "Zelda", perking up.

"Yep. It is, babe, it is."

"GIVE ME THAT..." Vio snapped, snatching the box and eating the tablets.

"Vio, those are drugs," Blue said in a matter-of-fact tone.

"Yeah, and they ain't great. Pot's the way to be, motha-fuckaz," said the fairy, giving Vio a stick of marijuana.

"Get him high and you can get him to do whatever you want," she said to the others as Vio dealt with the pot.

Red dodged a blow from the general.

"Couldn't that kill him?" he asked.

"Possibly."

Finally, Vio was done, his eyes completely and utterly blooshot.

"Where are we...?"

"Vio, help us fight!" Green commanded.

"Huh?" Vio uttered stupidly.

"FIGHT, YOU BASTARD!" Blue snapped.

Vio obeyed.

"Wow, thanks fairy," Blue said, raising a brow.

"Don't mention it. I'm just gonna go over here or somethin'..." the fairy answered airily, flying awkwardly away while bumping into walls.

The four Links fought pretty well (despite the fact that Vio kept laughing at something on a nearby wall), but the general was good too. They could not seem to defeat what they thought was their fake father.

"KILL HIM! USE YOUR FOUR-SWORDSY POWERS OR WHATEVER!" Zelda snapped.

"Oh, right," said Green. "Ok, guys, uh...let's just do what we did with Shadow Link..."

And that they did. The boys combined their Four-Swordsy powers and sent bullets of light shooting out of their swords like guns.

The general got hit with the blasts, and did not explode -- but fell to the ground, laying their motionless.

"OH...CRAP..." gasped Green.

"T-that wasn't...r-really a monster, was it?" squeaked Red.

Blue, Red, and Green ran over to their fallen father, while Vio stumbled over to the wall he had taken a liking to.

"ZELDA! YOU LIAR!" cried Blue, seeing that it really was their father.

But suddenly, the general sat up, and drew his dagger. The three Links feared that he might stab them, but instead, he turned around, and threw the dagger into Zelda's forhead. Red, Blue, and Green gasped. Vio laughed and pissed on the wall.

"Zelda's" eyes turned red. She glared.

"Well, shit... I didn't expect that." Then, all of a sudden, she split in half, and out popped Gufuu!

"It WAS Gufuu in disguise!" Red exclaimed.

"YOU BITCHES! YOU MAY HAVE OVERCOME _THAT_ TRIAL, BUT WHEN YOU'RE READY FOR THE REAL GOOD SHIT, MEET ME IN THE TOWER!" and with those words, Gufuu disappeared.

"Dad! Are you ok?" Green asked. The "fun helmet" then snapped in half and fell from his father's head.

"Link? Is that you?" the general asked, gaping at his one-but-four child(ren).

"Yeah, daddy!" cried Red.

"Did you pull the Four Sword?" the general demanded.

"Yeah," said Blue.

"You're grounded," snorted their father.

"Forget that now! We have to get into the tower, but we only have one Jewel Key!" whined Green. This problem was solved when he felt a pinch on his ass. Turning around, Green saw, with great horror, Valenzuela standing there.

"You've always been such a handsome boy..." cooed Valenzuela.

"Daaaaad! He's doing it again!" whimpered Green.

"STOP MOLLESTING MY SON, DAMMIT!" snapped the general.

The other three Hyrule knights, holders of the other three Jewel Keys, followed Valenzuela, and handed the three keys to Green, Blue, and Red. Vio continued to piss on the wall.

"Wow, this works out," commented Blue.

"We'll back you up -- it's time for you to kick Gufuu's ass and save Zelda!" said the general.

So the Links (they had to pull Vio along) headed back for the main door. It was time to end this mission once and for all!


	12. Shadow's Gift

_**Here it is at long last! Chapter 11! This story is almost done!**_

**_Now here's the scoop: PPPPSSSST...at the end of this chapter is the OFFICIAL SUMMARY FOR THIS STORY'S SEQUEL -- The Legend of Zelda: The Prince of Ny-Potho!_**

**_Read this chapter to get to the summary! Sequels are fun._**

**_AND REVIEW_**

* * *

_**Chapter 11 -- Shadow's Gift**_

The four Links (still having to drag the intoxicated Vio along) entered the main door, and found Gufuu waiting for them.

"Ah, there you are, my pretties!" hissed Gufuu. Tentacles formed on his body, which he attempted to hit and grab the Links with. Blue, Red, and Green dove into the action, while Vio stumbled over to the corner and passed out.

"HOW DO WE KILL HIM! HOW? HOW! HOOOOOOOW?" Red screamed. His heart nearly stopped when he felt the uncomfortable sensation of a tentacle being wrapped around his ankle.

"Fuck."

Before he could react, the Red Link found himself being pulled around in the air. The skirtish part of his tunic flew up, and he tried desperately to keep it down.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, GUFUU, I'M NOT WEARING UNDERWEAR, STOP IT!" screamed Red.

"RED, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I'LL SAVE YOU!" announced Green loudly, whipping out a boomerang that he mysteriously obtained in the parts of the quest not shown in the manga. He flung it at the tentacle holding his beloved. Gufuu's extra arm was destroyed, and Red screamed as he plummetted straight into the waiting arms of Blue.

Red blushed.

"Uhhh...thanks Blue... YOU'RE MY HERO!"

"I'M NOT GAY!" screamed Blue.

"HEY! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GUYS DOING? RED IS _MINE,_ BITCH-FACE!" Green yelled, storming over to them and punching Blue in the face.

"HEY! YOU PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE, BITCH!" Blue growled, punching Green in the face. Green punched Blue in the face back. Blue punched Green in the face back.

Gufuu seized this opportunity to land another attack. He flung out a tentacle to bind Blue and Red together. Their crotches touched, and Red blushed deeply. Blue screamed. He screamed harder when he felt Red's erection...

Green was about to say something nasty, but then two tentacles came out and seized him by the arms, lifting him into the air.

Gufuu flailed them about, breaking down the room while doing so.

"VIO, FAIRY, HELP US!" cried Green. He caught a glimpse of Vio still passed out in the corner. Then the fairy drunkly fluttered over to Vio and passed out on top of him.

"DAMMIT..."

Green screamed as he was released and sent flying through the air.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH, I'M GONNA DIE!" But he was caught by Valenzuela.

"Heeeeyyyyy..." said Valenzuela, winking.

"Oh my gawd, where the fuck did you come from, Valenzuela? We really have to stop meeting like this, this is too queer," said Green desperately, struggling to get away.

Then the Links' father and the other Jewel Key guardian knights rushed onto the scene.

"ATTACK!" Link's father commanded. The knights went around, freeing the three trapped boys. Then they got out their bows and arrows and shot Gufuu in the eye. Gufuu sank into the clouds.

"GET HIM!" Green ordered, forgetting the whole Blue/Red deal. He, Blue, and Red dashed over the clouds towards the form of Gufuu.

"BE CAREFUL, DAMMIT!" called the general. But suddenly, black fog began to filter from Gufuu, making it impossible to see.

* * *

Red clung onto Green. 

"Green, I can't see with all this black fog!" he complained.

"Well, at least I can see me..." said Blue, touching his dick affectionately.

"Blue, stop that!" snapped Green.

"Make me!" Blue retorted, walking boldly forward through the fog while poking his crotch. But suddenly, Blue fell. Red and Green caught him by the arms.

The smoke thinned, and Red screamed when he saw that he and Green had kept Blue from falling into a million spikes. They pulled the Blue Link back up to the ledge that they had been standing on.

"How are we going to get past THOSE?" Red cried, pointing to the spikes.

"Not to mention this platform is sinking," Green noted. Indeed, it was. They were falling towards the spikes.

"I know!" declared Blue. He pulled his hammer (he got it in chapter three, remember?) out of his hat, and brought it down onto the spikes, flattening them into a walkable path.

"This could work!" exclaimed Green. Blue kept hammering spikes in all directions. The fog was still thick, and the three had to change directions multiple times when they reached the end of the spiked area to avoid falling off, as the spike place was just a platform.

Blue stopped to take a break.

"Uumm...guys?" Red squeaked nervously.

"Huh? What's up, babe?" Green asked, following Red's gaze. They noticed that the hammered down spikes had taken the shape of a hand.

"Woah, I made a hand!" announced Blue. Suddenly, everything shook, and the hand-shaped platform turned into a REAL hand! Gufuu's hand! It carried the Links high into the air, screaming, and flung them into the clouds...

* * *

Meanwhile, on a tower high up in the clouds, Princess Zelda (the real one) sat upon a chair, gazing about boredly. But then she heard a noise next to her, and found that it was coming from the Dark Mirror, which was her only company up on the lonely tower. She rose from her chair and approached the Dark Mirror to investigate... 

"Ummm...anyone in there?" Zelda asked meekly.

"Don't...just don't make me go out there...please...STOP IT!" cried a distant sounding voice from inside the mirror.

"Get out there, ya piece o' crap!" snapped the voice of Ganon, also from inside the mirror.

"Nooo..." moaned the first voice weakly. Zelda nearly shit her pants when a sopping wet hand reached out of the mirror, followed by the rest of the body.

"MOVE FASTER!" bellowed Ganon. "YOU'VE BEEN LYING ABOUT SICK LONG ENOUGH, YOU'VE USED UP ALL YOUR SICK DAYS! YOU'LL BE FINE! JUST KILL THE HEROES!"

And finally, the rest of the thing toppled out of the mirror, lying on the ground and gasping for air, completely soaking wet from...Dark Mirror juice or somethin'... The helpless thing that lay before Zelda was none other than Shadow Link. This shocked her, for she had thought he was dead.

After his "defeat", Shadow had survived, and was transported to the Dark World where he was incredibly weak from his encounter with the Four Sword, and had not gotten much better since then. Sick of him laying around in the Dark World, Ganon forced him back into the regular world to do something he was in no condition to do.

Zelda stared blankly at Shadow. Shaking, Shadow slowly pulled himself onto his hands and knees, looking pale, scrawny, and feverish. But despite his tragic encounter with the light of the Four Sword, he still held on to scraps of his dignity, which clearly showed to Zelda.

"Woah, Shadow. I thought you were like...dead," she said, staring at him.

"QUIT YOUR STARING!" Shadow barked defensively, not wanting to be seen like this.

"Are you like this 'cause of the Four Sword? Huh? Are ya? Are ya!" Zelda asked.

"NO."

"You're shaking," Zelda commented.

"AM NOT."

"ARE TOO!"

"AM NOT!"

"ARE TOO!"

"Just leave me alone..." Shadow whimpered pathetically, looking away and holding onto himself so tightly that it looked as though he feared being swept away by the next breeze. Even Zelda had to feel bad for him. She sighed.

"Look, Shadow... If the light of the Four Sword didn't kill you, then light can't hurt you as much as you think. Maybe you aren't who you think you are."

Shadow looked at her abrubtly.

"Was that line from a fortune cookie or something?"

"Well...yes. But I thought it could apply to this situation."

"Whatever. What the fuck do you want me to do? All I want is to SIT HERE, SHAKE, and NOT listen to YOU!"

"I'm not asking you to do anything!" Zelda insisted.

"What I mean is that perhaps destiny decided you should live to do what's right," she said.

"What are you saying?" Shadow asked suspiciously.

"I'm saying that you are one of the Links. That means you're a hero or something."

Shadow thought about this, now understanding what she meant. Was he really evil? She had a point... Why should Ganon and Gufuu expect him to listen to them? He could be better than that... He had the power to do what he wanted. He didn't have to listen to so-called "authority"...

Suddenly, a black cloud began to envelop Zelda. She screamed and was lifted into the skies. The cloud caused her to fall unconcious.

"HEY! WHAT'S GOING ON!" Shadow demanded to the skies.

"It is the Great Ganon's orders that the princess be taken to be sacrificed now," came the voice of Gufuu.

"No, he said to leave her here!" Shadow said.

"You ain't up to date with anything, bitch-face!" snapped Gufuu. The black cloud parted, and out of it flew a rock, which hit Shadow in the head.

"OW! THAT WAS A ROCK!" Shadow screamed, shaking harder.

"I know," said Gufuu. Then Zelda was up and out of sight.

Shadow angrily picked up the rock and chucked it as far as he could, which wasn't very hard considering the fact that he was so weak he could barely stand.

"She's right...I have power over my own destiny! I don't have to listen to Gufuu, Ganon, or anyone else! I'm sick of their crap!"

In that moment, many things became clear to Shadow. He understood why the four other Links had done what they did to him.

"I've been an ass all this time..." he murmured to himself. Then he thought of Vio. Love for the purple Link remained inside him.

While he had been lying about sick in the Dark World, Shadow Link was able to watch what was going on in the Light World. According to what he saw, Vio was passed out at the moment. A plan to help the Links formed in his mind...

Shadow dragged himself down the tower stairs.

"Vio, my beloved...I'm coming to help you with your quest..." he said, using his powers to take on Vio's appearance.

* * *

Green huffed and puffed as he finally finished climbing up the side of main tower of the palace, and stopped to rest at the top. After he, Red, and Blue had been attacked by Gufuu's hand, each of them had been separated. Green was worried sick about Red. Who the fuck cared about Blue? 

Green rested a hand on his chest and panted heavily. It sure wasn't wasn't easy climbing a building. Then suddenly, Green heard a voice. A small, weak voice...

"Green..." it said pitifully. Green turned and saw Vio sitting near a doorway to his right. He hurried over to him.

"Woah, Vio, you're alive! I thought all that Oxycontin and joint would kill you."

"Whatchoo talkin' 'bout foo', my name's not -- er...I mean...I am Vio, here me roar?" croaked "Vio".

"Ummm...are you ok, Vio?" Green asked. "Looks like those drugs messed you up bad, man. You look ill...and you're shaking. Are you gonna be ok?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm ok..." mumbled Vio.

"GREEN! OOOHH, MY BELOVED GREEN!" exclaimed Red, running towards Green with Blue at his heels.

"There you guys are!" Green replied, embracing Red and kissing him.

"Woah, look who's up," Blue snorted to the boy he thought was Vio. "Vio" glared.

"Listen," he said. "I know a way that we might be able to defeat Gufuu. Follow me." Vio hobbled away; the others followed.

* * *

"Vio" lead them to a switch that sat on a platform amongst some of the mini-towers of the palace. It was a round, orb-shaped switch that needed to be turned. Shadow -- I mean, VIO tried to turn it, but didn't have the strength. 

"Move over!" Blue snapped, shoving the weaker Link away roughly and quickly turning the switch himself. A set of stairs appeared, leading them to one of the towers.

"Gufuu should be this way...hurry up..." panted "Vio", dragging himself up the stairs while the other followed uncertainly.

"Vio, where are you getting all this information?" Green asked.

"Uuuuummmm...when Shadow Link made me his bitch, I learned a lot about all the Dark Ones' bases and stuff..."

Suddenly, Gufuu's hand broke into the tower and tried to grab at the Links.

"When you get the chance, stab him in the top of the head! That's his weak spot, dammit!" commanded Vio.

"Jeez, you're bossy..." Blue mumbled.

"YOU GOT SOMETHIN' TA SAY 'BOUT IT, BITCH-FACE!" the fake Vio yelled at Blue. Blue recoiled.

"'Bitch-face' is being used a lot in this chapter..." commented Red.

A large chunk of the tower fell away because of Gufuu's hand's rough entrance. The whole top of it was gone, and the Links found themselves eye-to-eye with Gufuu.

"NOW!" instructed Vio. Green leapt and buried his sword in the top of Gufuu's head.

"I MUST RETHINK MY PLANS! GAAAH!" Gufuu cried, sinking down to the clouds. He was temporarily paralyzed, but not defeated.

Shadow's heart sank. Gufuu had grown stronger -- before, that move could have killed him. And as far as he knew, that was his only weak spot. There was only one other way to put a stop to Gufuu, but it would mean ending his own life...

Shadow was snapped out of his thoughts when he spotted a figure shuffling towards them silently -- the real Vio. The Shadow Link's heart fluttered at the sight of his love, but he knew he could not linger, and started away while the others were not paying attention.

"Oy...! Guys...!" said the real Vio, stumbling towards them.

"IT'S A FAKE!" screamed Blue, punching Vio in the face.

"OW! BLUE, THAT WAS MY FACE!"

"What? But...but Vio, you were just right there!" said Green, pointing to the spot where the fake Vio had been.

A thought crossed Vio's mind -- there were only two people he knew of who could change forms: Gufuu and Shadow. And he had just seen Gufuu fall into the clouds... Could he expect the impossible? Or was it just crazy to think that Shadow might still be alive?

"But...I'm the real Vio..." said Vio meekly. The confusion was cut short when Gufuu flew up from the clouds, stronger than ever!

* * *

Shadow slowly slunk up the stairs that lead to the Dark Mirror's resting place. 

"If I destroy the Dark Mirror...Gufuu will die. And so will I..." At last, he reached the top, and with all the strength he could muster, he picked up the chair Zelda had been sitting in earlier, and flung it at the mirror, shattering it.

* * *

**_DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUNNNN! IT'S TIME FOR THE FOUR SWORDS SEQUEL'S OFFICIAL SUMMARY TO REAR ITS HEAD!_**

* * *

**_The Legend of Zelda: The Prince of Ny-Potho_**

**_Rating: M (Drugs, alcohol, explicit sex, language, violence, abuse, rape, and just about everything else)_**

**_Genres: Romance, angst, drama, humor, action/adventure_**

**_SUMMARY: _**

**_Deep in the heart of the woods lies a secret tribe, hidden away from Hyrule -- Ny-Potho. Ny-Pothois under the rule of the great Queen Daray, whois the proud mother of a single son named Braeden._**

**_Sick fascination with the dark arts flows through the veins of every Ny-Pothon...except for one: a young girl by the name of Missy Dek._**

**_Missyis half human, half Hylian, andis the descendant of a Turkish warrior named Cassandra (Yes, Soul Calibut II Cassandra!). Because of her mutt-blood, shewasis outcast, yet trains tirelessly to become a great warrior and prove her worth._**

**_One day, Daray creates the most powerful object any Ny-Pothon had laid hands on: a thing called the Majora's Mask. The tribe finds that it works quite nicely in dark magic rituals, until one night, thingsgo awry, and the mask does something awful. It ressurects a shadow creature known as "Shadow Link"..._**

**_Frightened and convinced that the mask's power was too great, the Ny-Pothons agree to destroy it and kill Shadow. _**

**_Missy Dek discovers that Shadow Linkis not really evil, but had redeemed himself before his death, and besides -- he was too sickly to do any harm. Feeling sympathetic, she agrees to help him escape the tribe._**

**_Prince Braeden grew angry about the order for the Majora's Mask to be destroyed. He knew that the mask could do wonders for him, so he stole it and blamed Missy. Missy was ordered to be executed, but escaped with Shadow, while Braeden left for Hyrule, mask in tow._**

**_He set his sights on Hyrule Castle, where he would complete a spell for immortality and extreme power. And what ingredients did that call for? Many, but none as important as "the first-bornchild with blood of the light princess and the caster". This meant that he must sacrifice his first-born child. That child was to be his and Zelda's..._**

**_Meanwhile, the four Links try to relax from their newly-finished Four Swords quest. Things are peaceful for everyone in Hyrule. Everyone except for Vio, that is..._**

**_Vio grew depressed after the death of the love of his life, and was told to take up a hobby to get his mind off things. He begins to write poetry, and strange things happen..._**

**_Vio begins to lose control over himself and his writing. Strange thoughts begin to absorb him and take over his life, creating devastating physical and emotional effects. He dreams of a terrible fate to Hyrule, and finds himself writing a strange poem called "The Prophecy" that he believes can save the world in the future... Yet his sanity and warningsare doubted by those around him, and everyone begins to worry as Vio starves himself and writes frantically, keeping himself up at night to avoid the strange dreams he becomes plagued with..._**

**_One day, Braeden seizes Hyrule Castle, and enslaves the residents of Hyrule. The first part of his plan begins -- he gets Zelda pregnant. Zelda grows desperate with the situation at hand, fearing for her unborn child and the fate of her people. She warns Braeden to free her people, or she will take matters into her own hands..._**

**_Missy and Shadow, angry by Braeden's lies, set out on a quest to defeat him, and on the way, unite with the four Links. Together, they must create the weapons needed to destroy Braeden and the Majora's Mask, and save the people of Hyrule, Zelda, and her child._**

**_But they must stick together...if they still can, as Braeden picks them off one by one..._**

****


	13. Last Chapter, Grab a Beer

_**The sequel (The Legend of Zelda: The Prince of Ny-Potho) comes out tomorrow. The next chapter of The Sister comes out in a day or so.**_

**_Well, I'll miss this story... ;-; It was a lot of fun to write._**

**_I want to again thank Mariam Dirbashi for helping me with all of this! You're the best, Mariam! Thank you sooo much!_**

**_REVIEW, PEOPLE!_**

* * *

_**Chapter 12 -- Last Chapter, Grab a Beer**_

The four Links screamed as Gufuu opened up his freaky, sharp-toothed mouth, and from it produced a whirlwind to suck them in. Green noticed the Force flying from his body.

"DUDE, THAT'S MY FORCE!" he screamed.

"WON'T SOMEONE END THIS MADNESS?" wailed Red, trying to resist the mega-strong winds.

But suddenly, Gufuu stopped his attack. The air began to fly from him, like air being released from a balloon.

"WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?" And, just like that balloon I compared him to, Gufuu began to zoom around.

"What the hell's going on?" cried Blue.

* * *

"Almost...d-done..." panted Shadow as he stumbled around to the back side of the mirror. Up in the air, Gufuu whizzed by and saw what his former ally was doing.

"SHADOW LINK, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING! ARE YOU ON POT? ARE YOU ON RITALIN? HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?" Gufuu yelled in a voice full of desperation and fury.

"I know...what I'm doing..."

"YEAH! COMITTING MURDER-SUICIDE, BITCH! YOU'LL DIE AS WELL AS I!"

"I know. But hey, life wasn't that great anyway. So see ya." And with those words, Shadow pushed the Dark Mirror. It shattered completely.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screeched Gufuu as the last bit of air crept from him. A strange calm filled the atmosphere.

* * *

The Links had witnessed the death of the enemy Gufuu.

"Is he dead?" Vio asked quietly.

"Don't know, let's find out," Green said, rushing down a path of clouds that lead to Gufuu's place of death. The others followed.

"I...was so...fucking...close..." uttered the deflated-balloon-Gufuu before exploding at the four heroes' feet.

"Holy Ben Afflek!" exclaimed Vio when he saw Shadow laying weakly by the shattered mirror. His heart did backflips, and he rushed over to his fallen beloved. The other Links cautiously followed.

Vio grabbed Shadow's hand.

"Shadow! You're alive!"

Shadow looked wearily up at Vio and smiled slightly.

"Yeah, well, for a little while at least..." he said.

Vio remembered what Shadow had told him about the Dark Mirror a while back. If it broke, Shadow would die.

"Oh...Shadow..."

"Gufuu's dead...right?" Shadow asked.

"Yeah, thanks to me," said Blue.

"Blue, you didn't do anything. You were the one blasting diarrhea all over your pants," commented Red.

"WE ARE GOING TO KICK EACHOTHER IN THE NUTS 'TILL ONE OF US FALLS!" Blue announced.

"Noooo!" shrieked Red, cowering. But the stronger Blue easily overpowered him, and began viciously nut-kicking the red Link.

"HEY! THAT'S MY RED LINK!" snapped Green, attacking Blue. Vio and Shadow stared at the fight for a moment before turning back to eachother.

"I'm sorry for what I did..." said Vio.

"Don't be. I...understand why..." whispered Shadow, his eyes beginning to close.

"No, no! Don't go!" Vio said quickly. Violin music began to play.

"Who's playin' the violin?" Blue snapped.

"YOU LET YOUR GUARD DOWN! AHAHAHA!" crowed Green, kicking Blue hard in the nuts while he was distracted.

"Listen...this won't be the last time we meet," said Shadow.

"Well, how exactly can that be true if you, like...die?" Vio asked.

"I don't know. But I do know that I love you."

"I love you too..."

Vio and Shadow kissed. Shadow suddenly stood up.

"I've been darkness long enough. It's time for me to be the opposite..." he said as he began to fade away into light.

"NO!" cried Vio, tears welling up in his eyes. Red, who had managed to escape the battle, sat to the side and watched sadly.

"Good-bye, my love..." Shadow said softly with a smile before disappearing completely.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Vio yelled to the skies, falling to his knees in despair. Red came up beside him and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Oh, Vio, I'm so sorry... But he's in a better place now. Just like your hamster." Those words caused Vio to burst into tears.

"Jeez, Vio, get a grip. The hamster died three weeks ago," said Green, putting electrical tape on Blue to cover his mouth as he sat on his head.

"I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE HAMSTER! SHADOW'S DEAD!" sobbed Vio, his head in his hands.

"Look, Vio, you need to just get over the hamster..." Red said softly.

Vio turned to Red.

"YOU DIMWIT! I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE HAMSTER!"

"Guys...look..." Green whispered, pointing to the sky. Dark clouds, black as night, began to block the sun.

"Hahahahaha... That Shadow guy was a sick-day-over-using-idiot, and Gufuu wasn't much good either..." said a deep, inhuman voice: Ganon. Red gasped and clung to Green.

Lightning bolts lit up the sky, and suddenly, the giant pig-monster himself appeared before them.

"I WILL SMITE YOU WITH MY TRIDENT! SMITE YOU ALL!" announced Ganon. He raised his mighty trident high, and black beams began to shoot at the Links, accompanied with burning black smoke.

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIIIIIEEE! DIE LIKE SHADOW! DIE LIKE VIO'S HAMSTER!" Red screamed. Vio sobbed.

"WE HAVE TO TRY TO FIGHT HIM!" Green bellowed to his comrades.

"MMMMMMMMM!" came Blue's muffled scream.

Seconds passed; seconds that felt like hours dripping with the pain of the attacks. There seemed to be no hope...but suddenly, some of the clouds parted, letting a ray of light shine through. And from that ray, down floated Princess Zelda.

"Look in the sky!" Red gasped, pointing up at the princess.

Zelda slowly began to awaken from the cursed sleep Gufuu had put her under. Sharp-witted girl she was, it did not take her long to figure out what was going on. She quickly created a ball of light and looked down at the suffering Links.

"YOU ASSHOLES! DO THAT THING WITH YOUR FOUR SWORDS!" she called loudly. Hastily, Vio, Green, Blue, and Red gathered together and lifted their swords. Then they began to use them like guns to shoot bullets of light at Ganon. A beam of light shot from Zelda's light-ball, and she joined the attack from Ganon's other side.

"THE PAIN! THE BURNING! THE LIIIIIIIGHT!" screeched Ganon before he exploded. The clouds quickly disappeared, and the ray of light containing Zelda disappeared as well, causing her to fall down toward the Links. Green caught her, and both princess and Link stared at eachother for a moment and blushed before Green set her down. Red scowled.

"Wow! We did it, Link, Link, Link, and Link!" Zelda said happily. "Guess you aren't such an asshole after all!"

"Mmmph hmmm," muttered Blue from behind the electrical tape.

"Well, now that that's all over and done with, want to have group sex?" Zelda asked.

"Hell yeah," said Green.

"Fine, bitch," sniffed Red.

"Mmmph!" Blue mumbled eagerly.

"It won't fill the hole in my heart, but ok," Vio agreed darkly.

Just then, the fairy flew over to them, dragging a case of beer along on a string.

"Awesome, I'm totally gonna join you motha-fuckazzz. After that we can all chug beer," she said. Everyone eagerly ripped off their clothes.

Red stuck his dick in Green's ass. Zelda leapt on top of Vio, and they both rolled over, squishing the fairy.

"MY EYES!" came the fairy's muffled cry.

Then Blue got Zelda from behind, if you know what I mean. Zelda moaned with pleasure as Blue got her from the back, and Vio got her from the front. Then Green (with Red attached) came over. Green got Blue from behind, and everyone humped eachother, except for the fairy, who was stuck up Vio's ass.

* * *

Zelda, Green, Red, Blue, and Vio walked to the Four Sword Shrine, each one solemnly silent.

"Well...ready?" Zelda asked when they stopped.

"But Green...I love you!" whimpered Red. Green kissed him.

"I love you too, Red... But don't worry -- we're all gonna be together. We'll just be one person again," he said.

Red wiped his teary eyes and nodded.

"Mmmm hmmmph hm," said Blue.

"Let's just get this over with so we can get on with our sorry life," snorted Vio.

"Well...see ya, guys..." Green said sadly, closing his eyes and placing the sword in its pedestal. An eerie silence fell over everything. At last, Green opened his eyes, and saw with shock that Vio, Blue, and Red were still there, staring at him with looks of confusion. Zelda looked equally dumbfounded.

Hastily, Green removed the sword from the pedestal and put it back in again. Nothing. He tried again, and again, and again, and again for hours, and nothing changed...

Link remained four...

_The End_


End file.
